Bake and Shake

This summer, I'm burning down your house: Brown Sugar Meringue-Capped Brownies

"SHOW US YOUR PEAKS! SHOW ME YOUR PEA--YES. YES. Did you tape that?"

The weather here is wild. Cold and wet, muggy and moist, don't think about anything having to do with heat, dry weather or blazing sun because the sneaks and snatches you get will have to hold you over for one, two, five days before the next one. So tomatoes and peppers wait in windows, over a foot tall. Watermelon and squash starts are poking up, and tiny gnats flutter up from soil that never dries out.

I meanwhile, impulsively buy vintage sunglasses on Etsy.

And make meringue-topped brownies. 

Mouth Explosion 2k10 First Runner Up: Cream Puffs

Check that bulge out.

Since we last met: Clementine and Sour Cream Poundcake with Chocolate Chunks

"If you leave wrapped, unmarked parcels in public places, the Police will get involved. Nobody enjoys Cake Hunts as much as you do".

I have to go do some things, but before I do I wanted to leave you with cake.

You have to make it. Or you don't have to. But it is delicious and I hope you do. We've got seasonal citrus involved, and chocolate, but it isn't a chocolate cake - I will take almost every kind of cake over chocolate cake, but I really enjoy it in cakes. Here, the chocolate is a treat. Little pockets and dashes of bittersweet richness, backed by an intense Clementine note. You're really going somewhere with this. You won't want to leave this cake alone.

But before I continue, can we talk about Gary from 'Teen Mom' for a moment? He fascinates me. Sometimes when I watch that show, I think both forwards and backwards. Does Gary know what life holds for him? Did he know then? Did he know about Amber's bangs? I bet he didn't. 

That show is filling my brain right now, the parts that aren't heaving with actual to-do lists. I apologize.

This cake though, is such a great distraction. Almost as good as 'Teen Mom'.

Dough, MTV Raps!

After they tore his brother's arm off, Hal was forced to face the Danish Gang by himself.

So what to make, with all your dough?

Croissants. Pain au Chocolat. Danishes. Pain au Jambon et Fromage. Pain au Action Figure. All of this can be done with this dough, and I did all of them, with varied results.

This dough is not a true croissant dough - the eggs weigh down some of the layers I think I would have acheived otherwise, and I can't deny feeling a little frustration with myself for not just GOING BIG and doing the Tartine recipe. It would have, from start to finish, taken the same amount of time. But hey. We're cool. This is a delicious, DELICIOUS dough - please try a scrap of the dough, uncooked, because you'll really get such a hit of buttery, fermented flavors that just 'sproing' off the tongue.

And the finished products are gorgeous - visible, pronounced layers, a high rise and they keep their figures well, for the most part. They are tasty, flaky enough to feel worth the effort and better yet, though they are packed with butter they are fresher, nicer, crisper and flakier than the kind entombed in plastic, waiting for a chance to drop down from their vending machine coils.

Elitist pastries that they are.

And then you feed the dough to the laminator!

"I was hoping to actually laminate baked goods. In plastic."

Two part post. Here we'll talk about LAMINATED DOUGH and how you can make it with your hand mixer. Because, like the pioneers before me, I don't own a stand mixer. I almost bought one a few years back, but decided not to - I see it as something that, though beautiful and lusty, I do not know enough about my future locations to warrant the purchase of one, because I don't know if I'll want to, or be able to, lug it along with me.

For the most part, I don't morn it - my Cuisineart, a huge beast that I don't use as much as I should, and hand mixer are more than adequate.

This leads to low self-esteem, though, when faced with recipes that specifically call for the use of one. I haven't made marshmallows, or many of the breads and fancier frostings. But this summer, I made traditional buttercream with my hand mixer and realized that there was a CD of motivational songs and a sweatband in my future - I was going to try to conquer more recipes with my hand mixer, and the big one on my list was croissants.

So I don't have to panic and yell at Google each time I need the recipe

I made a lot of birthday cakes this summer, and the most popular one was this one, by far. I didn't take pictures, because I was usually partying it up and didn't even get to eat or watch people eat it, but for my reference (and yours, if you want a fail-safe recipe that always, always turns out a beautiful, fluffy, delicious delicately crumbed yellow cake. And the icing is SPECTACULAR). I usually flavor both the cake and icing heavily with almond extract, rather than vanilla, and I use a vanilla bean for both, dividing it in half. This results in a cake that tastes and smells like a dream.

Yellow Cake to end all Yellow Cakes
Adapted from this recipe

2 1/2 cups + 2 Tablespoons All Purpose Flour
2 cups granulated sugar
1 Tablespoon baking powder
1/8 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt (omit if using salted butter, which is what I usually do)
1 cup (2 sticks) softened butter, cubed
3 large eggs
1 egg yolk
1 1/3 cups whole milk, room temp
1 teaspoon apple-cider vinegar
1 teaspoon pure Almond Extract
Seeds from half a vanilla bean, scraped

Preheat your oven to 350 F. Add the vinegar to the milk, and let stand for five minutes. Butter and flour two nine-inch round cake pans. Wonder at your own glory.

Whisk together the sugar, flour, baking powder and soda, salt and add the cubed butter. Using a hand or stand mixer, mix the butter into the dry ingredients until crumbly and fine, and then add the eggs, milk, almond extract and vanilla, beating until a smooth, silky batter comes to life. Make sure to scrape down the sides and bottom of the bowl, you want a uniform texture. Rub a bit of batter between your fingers, and if you can't feel sugar granules, you're good to go. Or just taste it.

Pour into prepared pans and bake for 25-30 minutes, depending on your oven, until golden brown and a toothpick comes out clean. Cool in the pans for twenty minutes, run a knife around the edges and then turn out onto a rack and cool completely. Meanwhile, make some delicious frosting.

Alternates:
    Add poppyseeds/lemon/orange zest
    Replace Almond extract with Vanilla

Frosting so delicious you'll gross yourself out

1 8 oz package of cream cheese, softened
2 sticks/1 cup of softened butter (use salted, if your favorite brand isn't too salty, or one salted and one unsalted)
1 pound/16 ounces powdered sugar
1 teaspoon pure Almond Extract
Seeds from half a vanilla bean, scraped

Whip together the cream cheese and butter with a hand or stand mixer until fluffy. Add the powdered sugar, cup by cup, until desired sweetness level is achieved. Then add the almond extract and vanilla bean seeds and mix until combined. Frost the cooled cake generously, as follows -- big plop in the middle, build up a nice rim around the edge and fill in any lopsided bits. Top with second layer and smooth a thin layer over the entire cake. Let rest for five to ten minutes, then frost with remaining frosting and swoop, swirl or smooth until you're happy with it all.

Alternate frostings:
Ganache
    - Pour 3/4 cup of hot cream over a bag of best quality chocolate chips (Ghiradelli), add 1 Tablespoon of hot coffee,     and whisk until smooth. Add one Tablespoon of honey, and chill until thickened. Remove from fridge, and whip         (loosen with more hot coffee, if needed) until spreadable. Frost cake -- double recipe, usually. Also, add orange         zest for oomph and dudes.
Whipped Cream/Cream Cheese Frosting hybrid
    - Whip one cup of cold, heavy cream with two Tablespoons of granulated sugar until stiff peaks form, but not butter     territory. Meanwhile, beat 8 oz of cream cheese with 1/2 teaspoon of almond extract, 1 teaspoon vanilla extract and     2 to 3 cups of powdered sugar, then fold in the whipped cream mixture gently. Frost, and serve/eat within 48 hours,     chill leftovers.
    - Substitute whipped cream for sour cream.

"And then we crashed the set of a Trisha Yearwood video": Blackberry Crumb Muffins

"All I know is, one minute she was in the car, and the next she was calling us from a Jiffy Lube two zipcodes over."

So this weekend I watched "Fame", slept, relaxed, made these muffins and stayed out until 4 am last night, with friends and cheap pink champagne. 

There is no excuse for what happened between 9 pm and 4 am, just that it involved chauffeurs, 'Stumptown Hot Spots', making a birthday cake out of Plaid Pantry snack cakes, Jack in the Box cheeseburgers, smelling like a Tobacco plant and having a staggering moment of sobriety, where I faked a sip of a drink a guy who'd introduced himself three times in thirty minutes bought me. 'Lifetime' was a harsh and efficient tutor. I know that sounds all "HORSE TRANQS ARE IN THE TAP WATER AT CO-ED SCHOOLS." But when a man you don't know just shows up and hands you a glass of suspect liquor, you're not sure what to do. Do you hand it back? Do you set it down and cold-eye him? Or do you do what I did, which is manage a weak "Thanks!" and then thumbs-up it, before setting it down and leaning into one of your guy friends. Guess.

Also. Leaving the worst kind of group voice-mails for people who couldn't be there, ever, and then the next morning being told "Yeah, I got your message. Your voice was so loud," and then thinking about how you were sitting four people away from the person holding the phone.

I am an old woman, because I have not committed that hard in a long time, and even after my before-bed ritual (one liter of water, two aspirin and a clean, washed face, then more water and moisturizer first thing after you wake up. Your welcome. Love Grandma. Why don't you ever wear that sweater I sent you?) I woke up not feeling the wear, but actually wearing it. My face looked like Naugahyde. Like the seats in that car your dad parked by the side of the garage, and left, for ten years, and then 'gave' it to you when you turned seventeen, saying that if you and your friends got the rats out, you could drive it. Hard livin'.

Anyway. Here is something so much prettier than my face, this morning. Raspberry muffins, which are on their third day and still delicious, moist and viable. Supple, even. They and their loud voices didn't make a fool out of themselves. Buttery, with a sweet, slightly-cinnamon tinged crumb topping, the muffins are just sweet enough and the pockets of sour, juicy blackberries make things so nice. While they're fine at room temperature, I suggest warming yours just enough to soften everything, really turning the double-dose of vanilla up. Then they're even better.

Blackberry Crumb Muffins
Adapted from Ina Garten

1 1/2 sticks softened butter (equal to 12 tablespoons)
1 1/2 cups granulated white sugar
3 large eggs, at room temperature
2 1/2 teaspoons (really) pure vanilla extract
1 cup plain Greek Yogurt
1/4 cup milk
2 1/2 cups AP flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
2 1/2 heaping cups of frozen or fresh blackberries, washed and stemmed

Crumb Topping

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Line two muffin tins with paper cups, and brush the top, flat part of the pans with oil if you like, or cooking spray. Set aside.

In a large bowl, cream together the butter and sugar until creamy, fluffy and pale yellow using an electric or stand mixer. Add the vanilla extract and eggs, one at a time, beating until blended and silky. Add the Greek yogurt and milk, mixing until fluid. Add the flour, baking powder and soda, and salt. Mix just until combined, using a spatula to finish the mixing, making sure to scrape the sides and bottom of the bowl. Add the blackberries, and fold in gently with the spatula.

Using an ice cream scoop, or 1/4 cup measure, place large scoops of batter in each liner. Scatter the tops with the crumb mixture, and bake for 25-35 minutes (checking after 25), or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean and the tops are a smooth golden brown. Cool in the pan for one minute, then remove and serve warm, or cool completely on a wire rack.

Crumb Topping
1/2 stick slightly softened butter
1/4 cup granulated sugar
1/4 cup AP flour
1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon

Using a fork, mash together all ingredients until soft, dry crumbles form. Vary the sizes (some large clumps, some finer crumbs), and use your fingers if you need to.

*And welcome to anyone visiting from Oh Joy! (Thank you Joy, for the link!) I hope you are not disappointed -- she is much classier than I am.

Like getting underwear for Christmas - You need it. But you don't want it.

As I try to buy more time, for no particular reason, I realized that it is the season for baked goods to be made and foisted on others. If you've been waiting to try recipes, from this site or any other, here's my list of Chunk Town's finest. Party up. Sit down. Full recipes and photos at each link.

Salt Lick Bars (Millionaire's Shortbread) -- I plan on making these myself, but topping them with grey and pink salt. You're welcome.
Chocolate Striped Oatmeal, Almond and Toffee Cookies -- Everyone loves a confection as large as an infant's face.
Savory Black Pepper, Parmesan and Herb Shortbread -- Savory! Savory.
Super Sugar Cookies -- The original crinkly classic, they taste like butter and the hair of angels.
Spice Cookies with Orange-Nutmeg Glaze -- Eat these in the library with your lover, or silverfish.
Chocolate Chunk Cookies -- Make these with peppermint bark, or red and green M&M's, or your dog's toenails.
Blonde Leading the Blonde Bars -- I think Christmas is all about follicle stereotypes.

Paging Lee Fiora: Braeburn Apple Cupcakes with Cream Cheese Icing

"We went back to get him, at the rest stop, before continuing on to Grandma and Grandpa's house. But that was the last time your brother ever said your father's head smelled like the bathroom after the neighbor with lactose sensitivities used it. He rode in silence for the rest of the trip."

"Wow, mom."

I have a crush that is so bad and so fierce that Tyra Banks just cut off all its hair. All I want to do is think about it and talk about it, live it. I am horrible and pathetic and I can't stop.

I am a Curtis Sittenfeld character.

While I attempt to get it together (Come visit me like Cross Sugarman. In the night!), please enjoy Fall, and these cupcakes. They went over well, except everybody thought they were pumpkin.

Hope all is lovely.

Braeburn Apple Cupcakes with Cream Cheese Icing
Adapted from SB/TB

1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup granulated white sugar
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1 egg
1/2 cup Canola Oil (I used Spectrum)
1 cup unsweetened, chunky applesauce (I used storebought Braeburn, though homemade would be wonderful)
1 1/2 cups AP flour
1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
1 teaspoon baking soda

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees F. Sift together the flour, spices (cloves, nutmeg, cinnamon, allspice) and soda. Set aside.

In a large bowl, whisk together the brown and granulated sugars, egg and oil until well-beaten and smooth. Add the vanilla extract and stir until combined. Add the flour mixture and applesauce alternately, beginning and ending with flour, mixing just until flour disappears and batter is a uniform brown. Spoon or scoop into a lined 12-cup cupcake pan -- I got exactly 12 cupcakes from this recipe, but depending on the size of your cups, this could vary by 1 or 2. You can also grease and flour a round cake pan and pour the batter in that, baking for slightly longer (until toothpick comes out clean and top springs back gently when touched) and then frost, or just sift powdered sugar over the top.

But we're dealing with small cakes today, class.

Bake for 10-15 minutes, checking after 10, just until toothpicks inserted in the middle and edge cupcakes come out clean or with dry crumbs clinging. No wet batter. Remove from oven and cool in pan for 5 minutes, then gently remove and cool completely on a rack.

Cream Cheese Icing
8 oz Cream Cheese, slightly softened (take it out of the fridge 10 minutes prior)
1 1/2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 1/2 to 2 cups sifted powdered sugar

For the icing, beat together (don't whip) the cream cheese and vanilla extract with an electric mixer (stand or hand) on medium speed until smooth. Add the cinnamon. Then gradually add the powdered sugar until you've reached a sweetness and stiffness level you're satisfied with. Frost cooled cupcakes generously, slather them, obscenely. Enjoy.   

"It's Coook-EEEEE TIIII-uh-MMMME!!": Chocolate Striped Oatmeal, Almond and Toffee cookies

"You come down right now. RIGHT NOW. Just like your father. Avoiding things by climbing water towers. Christmas will be back next year, DON."

I can't even talk about it. I am so lame right now, that it is blowing my mind. The point where you go "Seriously, what is it going to take," where you're playing Camp Counselor to your own brain, and then that part of you that reminds you of that one girl in the Unicorn shirt back in tenth grade who was always crying to teachers in the hallway about nothing, really? And then entering stuff in the art show? Shows up. I'm able to say that I was not fond of that girl, she made me uneasy like coyotes make me uneasy, meaning during the day you could probably get away but at night it's a whole different reason to leave the house with a cheese grater and corkscrew, and so when my brain acts all "I just really need to talk to you, Mrs. Levert" I am freaked out and sickened on two different all-beef patty levels.

Do you know what fixes that? Kid Nation fixes that. RIGHT UP.

Besides Mad Men, I don't watch a lot of television. I'll catch The Hills in morning-after reruns, and I like it when Diddy forms a sweatshop song-and-dance gang, I will watch Giada De Laurentiis wherever she goes (I have this intense adoration of her clothing, precise and yet sometimes incorrect adjective use and that she is kind of Lifetime Movie intense about how many bites of food she actually puts in her mouth). I also watch the news, and sometimes "Katie and Peter" but then I get sad about Harvey. "He's blind and has a disease and a mirror fell on him and I think he was also scalded by the bathtub taps. I'm serious. He's also three."

So I don't know what that says about me, that I like stylized melodramas and British breast implants? Thinly-veiled food issues and choreography learned with the aide of threats and sleep deprivation? Add this: Every time Anna Nicole's part shows up when I'm listening to "New Workout Plan" I do the sign of the cross. And then, top it off with this confection -- I wanted to have a child the minute one of the eight year olds began to cry on "Kid Nation" tonight.

Here's the thing: I read "Baby Island" maybe fifteen times in my youth. Then I read that BSC Super Special where Dawn and Claudia and baby JAMIE NEWTON are stranded on one of New York's many uninhabited yet accessible islands, and they collect water in old juice boxes and catch tiny fish. Fourth and fifth grade, I had this whole idea that somehow my crush(es) (Justin B and Justin K, Drew and this kid named Nathan who I drew portraits of and dreamed of starring in a remake of Amy Grant's "Every Heartbeat" video with) would end up in a situation where we would be in charge of infants and surviving/avoiding death and also, wearing swimsuits the whole time.

So when I heard about Kid Nation, and the ages of those involved I was like "This is going to be crazy, those baby girls have been dreaming about this since they finished Little House on Plum Creek and Farm Boy." All Bolts of Calico and Oxen and boys named 'Manzo. Horehound candy (Hard in the middle!). Patty pans. You know? Pa nailing tarps to the walls and Mary with her un-calloused fingertips embroidering with silk threads. CARRIE'S SO DELICATE! Carry her slate.

The show did not fake me out. When the 10 and 11 year old girls, too old to cry in daylight and too young to care about impressing the 15 year old guys in the Peruvian ear-flap hats with braces, squealed over running a store my throat jumped, a little. They were so excited to be in charge of the rock candy and sour balls. Who wouldn't be.

But what was worse, or better, were the 8 year olds. One little guy had a single front tooth, maybe his first adult tooth so it looked like someone shoved a chunk of white chocolate up in his gums. He was very serious, all the time. Another little girl did nothing but "Woo-hoo" during her interview, and she wore a kerchief all the time. She was as tall as your thumb and put a hand to her heart when she walked into the store for the first time. And this other little man? With the curly moppet hair and conviction, and need to go home to a parent who would make sure he was changing his pants and knew it was pretty important to do so on a regular basis? Broke my heart when they found him behind a building, crying.

In a shameful way, too. I found myself wondering why no one had taken the youngest ones under their wings, and when that did happen I did the single, clenched-throat clap like men who used to run track or have strong opinions on javelin do during the summer Olympics. I wanted them to be warm, to have enough food in their bellies ("He didn't get a PANCAKE!") and be kind to one another. I also wanted the 11 year old with the black cowboy hat on the council to shut his blustery, pre-pubescent mouth in a fierce way, where I was wondering how many times I could be forgiven for hoping someone punched him. When the older boy, of the Peruvian ear-flap hat, stared him down and then put a finger on his chin I was awestruck. I was so impressed, by that move and my dislike of both of them. You know the older kid has had that done to him before, by someone taller, older, who didn't care and found it all hilarious. Either that or he is every foe of "The Mighty Ducks", come to life and formed in human flesh with underbite issues.

I have revealed too much about myself in this entry. Go now. Seriously. You can make these cookies, which are delicious and really nice, but just go. Turn out the light and leave me here, thinking about figure skating and the Troop Beverly Hills cookie concert. Let's all wave cash at the 12 year old in the Tina Turner Wig. Babies need money tonight.

Chocolate Striped Oatmeal, Almond and Toffee cookies
Adapted from Torie Hallock/Martha Stewart

Cookies
1 1/2 cups rolled oats (not quick-cooking)
1 1/2 cups AP flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 pound (two sticks) just-softened butter
1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
1 cup packed brown sugar
1 cup granulated sugar
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon almond extract
1 egg

1/2 cup sliced almonds
1 heaping cup of roughly chopped chocolate-covered toffee candy (I used Daim candies, from IKEA)

Chocolate Drizzle
3/4 cup semi or bittersweet chocolate chips
1 teaspoon heavy cream

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees F. Cream together the butter and sugars with a stand/hand mixer until fluffy. Crack in the egg and add the salt, vanilla and almond extracts and mix just until combined. Add the flour, baking soda, mix until incorporated and then add the oats, almonds and chocolate-toffee pieces. You may need to switch to a wooden spoon if you're using a hand mixer. Fold in the oats, almonds and candy until distributed evenly throughout the dough, then scoop out balls of dough with a tablespoon measure, or an ice cream scoop for saucer-sized cookies. Plop on a parchment or Silpat lined sheet pan and bake until edges are golden brown and middles just set, anywhere (depending on size) from 10 to 17 minutes. Check after ten.

When the cookies are done, remove and cool (on the sheet) for five minutes, then transfer one by one, or just slide the sheet of parchment, cookies and all, onto a wire rack to continue cooling completely. If cookies crack or break apart, gently nudge them back together -- they'll crisp up and rejoin as they cool.

In a microwave safe cup or small bowl, melt the chocolate chips and cream, stirring every 20 seconds until smooth and "pipeable" -- you want to be able to drizzle or pipe the mixture over the cookies. Transfer to a parchment cone, small piping bag, or plastic sandwich bag with the corner chopped off -- make the point smaller than you think you should, as chocolate will ooze out with no reservations. With a steady hand, drizzle the chocolate over each cookie, back and forth or in any other design that you desire. Cool until set, then enjoy.