Made with the shavings of that silent Island Killer: Macaroons

"Are you enjoying those? Here's a secret - that isn't coconut!"

I've tried to make Macaroons many times in my life. I've tried to make Macaroons as though they were heir to my kingdom. The last hope for a dying bloodline.

Some recipes require whole eggs, others (like the chosen one below) only whites. Some have you beat the sugar into the eggs to form a meringue before adding the coconut, others have you mix everything together at once, like a middle school dance and SURGE. They might call for dessicated coconut, finely shredded, flaked, torn with the claws of endangered species housed in a sanctuary in a high-humidity climate. Sweetened condensed milk, or maybe original-formula Cetaphil facial wash. Flour, potato flour, sand.

Every attempt ended with the same carnage - a puddle of crispy, sugar-pocked meringue goo and sad islands of coconut. What is this, I would think, scraping the mess off the sheet pan. Who just decided that this was a viable cookie recipe? Sometimes I'd eat one anyway. But most of the time, I would just let my blood pressure rise and stress-eat some carbohydrates.

NO MORE. NO LONGER, MY SON.