Bake and Shake

Mangy mushrooms

"This is the last time we're walking home from the Holiday Work Party."

"Janie from HR just fell in the gutter." 

Now that I've grossed you out, like Inappropriate Teacher Gross-Out levels, by talking about creme brulee, let's do some damage control. I've already downloaded Amy Grant's crossover album, and I've been listening to 'Every Heartbeat' on repeat for the past twelve hours, wearing high-waisted denim culottes, a crushed velvet bodysuit and giant straw hat with poly-fabric flowers around the crown. I also used that instant-perm shampoo, and some Jovan Body Musk. Wholesome.

So if you make creme brulee, you'll have egg whites left over. While I enjoy egg whites, I find that I suddenly turn helpless in their stranded presence. "Wow, don't you guys have parents? They must not love you. You've been sitting on the curb for like two hours. I'm going to get into my mom's car, now. My mom's car, that she drove here in, to pick me up. If you guys are still here in an hour, light your backpack on fire and hope the dude who runs the combination pizza and hookah restaurant next to the mini-mart sees the smoke and thinks someone started up a competing store." No child left behind. In a parking lot. 2008 and beyond!

The other day I watched a 10 minute segment where Martha Stewart made a Buche De Noel that looked like a birch log. This is the sort of thing I enjoy doing with my free time, watching OnDemand cooking show segments. I also like to settle down and weep in front of the computer, watching montages of Britney Spears dance breaks over the years. Ever since I figured out how to use YouTube, I've been your Grandma, finding videos of my favorite things and making you watch them. "Cats batting at goldfish that are for some reason, swimming around in a toilet! Honey come see this." The Britney montages make me sad, for a lot of reasons, and I just feel like maybe I need to stop watching them. Hence the Martha.

Because I have no idea if her actual recipe is available outside of my TV, I used a recipe posted on one of my favorite blogs, "Everybody Likes Sandwiches". I had four egg whites, so I added a few extra tablespoons of sugar, and it all turned out swell, even though I only have a hand mixer. As referenced in my Veruca Salt-like "I want" magazine post, I may try to make real buttercream with the hand mixer soon. I will report back, obviously.

These are fantastic, though top-heavy and wobbly. They are very good, very sweet and charming, just charming. You could make them and bag them up, give them away as little edible gifts, or decorate cakes with them, or just tell people they'll die if they eat them. "But they smell like chocolate."

"Death smells like chocolate."

Enjoy!

Mangy Mushrooms
Adapted from EbLS/Martha Stewart

4 egg whites, room temperature
3/4 cup granulated white sugar + 2 Tbs
Dash of salt
Seeds from 1/4 vanilla bean
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

1/2 cup melted bittersweet chocolate
1/2 cup melted white chocolate

Cocoa powder (optional)

In a clean, large bowl beat the egg whites with an electric hand mixer (or stand) until voluminous and frothy. Slowly shake in the sugar, reserving a few tablespoons-worth for later. Continue mixing, on medium, then medium-high, then high until egg whites are satiny, shiny and hold a stiff, clingy peak when beaters are lifted. Add the reserved sugar, vanilla extract and vanilla bean seeds. Beat for another three to five minutes until really stiff, and the mixture 'tugs' against the beaters as you work it.

Preheat oven to 180 degrees F. Line two large half-sheet pans with parchment paper. Using a piping bag, either sans or with a really large piping tip, pipe flat circles of varying sizes for mushroom tops, then vertical 'squidges' for the stems -- start with one little plug, then draw the piping bag upwards, using steady pressure until meringue has extruded itself to your desired height(s). Pull away, and later pat down the resulting peak with a finger dipped in cool water.

Bake meringues for at least 1 hour and forty minutes -- check after 1 1/2 hours. The should be dry to the touch, have no color or golden edges, light and lift easily off of the parchment, leaving no sticky patches behind. You may have to remove the smaller caps and stems, and continue baking the larger caps for another 10-15 minutes to really dry them out. Either way, once done, remove from the baking sheets and cool completely on a rack, to promote air circulation. When all pieces are cool, use an offset spatula or butter knife to spread a thin layer of bittersweet chocolate on the flat undersides of the caps. Allow to cool or set 90% (surface should be dull, but still somewhat soft -- a line drawn in it should not bleed back together), then do the same with the white chocolate -- however, before this coat has a chance to set completely, use a toothpick to draw "gills" on the underside of each cap -- sort of like the spokes of a bicycle wheel, widening as they reach out.

Gently, with a dab more of bittersweet chocolate if you like, attach suitable stems to each cap and dry upside down. Try to match stems to caps, remembering that the double coat of chocolate will make them a little top-heavy. If you like, you can gently tap a sieve of cocoa powder over the tops of the mushrooms to speckle them. Display, eat or use them to decorate unsuspecting cakes. If you like, store them for a few days -- I left mine out uncovered, on a plate, and they suffered barely any moisture-intake, remaining shatter-crisp and lovely. For those who dared to eat them.

With a Bisquickness: Pumpkin Pancakes with Cranberry Conserve and Spiced Whipped Cream

"If you vote Waffle, Dad said you can't come for Christmas."

This morning I woke up slowly -- it was a good morning, with no expectations or commitments. I went to bed late, woke up early and was not tired at all. Lounging in bed was only improved when big, fat wet flakes of snow began to fall. There's not much more to say than that. These pancakes were a perfect way to extend a good morning.

A note -- if you don't like the idea of this, I have to say that someone I was cooking breakfast for did not, the pancakes are wonderful alone, with a handful of Guittard milk chocolate chips tossed into the batter. Just make sure your griddle/pan is greased well.

Pumpkin Pancakes with Cranberry Conserve and Spiced Whipped Cream
Adapted from All Recipes

2 cups AP Flour
4 Tablespoons Muscavado Sugar (Substitute golden/light brown sugar, if needed)
2 Tablespoons granulated sugar
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground nutmeg
1 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
1 cup Pumpkin puree
1 1/2 cups milk
1 egg
2 Tablespoons olive oil
2 Tablespoons Apple Cider vinegar

Cranberry Conserve
Spiced Whipped Cream

Whisk together the wet ingredients (egg, pumpkin, milk, vinegar, vegetable oil and vanilla extract). Add the Muscavado and Granulated sugars. With a fork, stir together the flour, baking powder and soda, spices and salt until combined. Gently fold into the wet mixture, leaving a few lumps, just until combined.

Heat a dry griddle, frying or saucepan until a flick of water jumps crazily. If you like, and if you're not working with nonstick or a seasoned pan, you can grease it with a knob of butter, a little vegetable oil, sebum. Pour even scoops or ladles of batter onto the prepped cooking surface, and cook over medium heat until dry bubbles form around the edges. Flip, and cook until slightly risen, golden brown on both sides, and then stack on a plate loosely covered with foil and stash in a just-heated oven until you've used up all the batter.

To serve, lightly spread each pancake with butter and sprinkle with a dash of maple, Muscavado or light brown sugar. Layer one or two pancakes on a plate, and spoon the warmed Cranberry Conserve over. Top with a lazy dollop of Spiced Whipped Cream and eat while feeling decadent and luxurious, like Donald Trump just dipped your body in 24 Karat Gold and put you on display for all five boroughs. Just like Angelina Jolie must feel right now.

Cranberry Conserve
1 ½ bags (18 ounces) fresh cranberries
2/3 cup granulated sugar
1 cinnamon stick
Zest and juice of 1 large orange
Zest and juice of 1 large lemon
1 Granny Smith Apple, peeled and diced
1/3 cup of water

In a medium to large saucepan, mix all ingredients together. Cook on medium until juices have thickened, cleared and cranberries have popped. Remove cinnamon stick and pour into serving dish(es) if chilling and using later. If not, serve warm. Chill or freeze leftovers.

Spiced Whipped Cream
1/2 cup chilled, heavy cream
1 teaspoon granulated sugar
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
A few scrapes of freshly grated nutmeg

Chill a glass or metal bowl and the whisk or beaters you'll be using, for at least fifteen minutes. Pour the cream into the chilled bowl, add the sugar and vanilla extract. Whip, gradually moving from low to higher speeds, until cream reaches soft peak stage. Or, you can pour the cream, sugar and vanilla extract into a heavy-duty (I use thick, plastic Thai Food takeout containers) lidded plastic container, mason jar or the like and shake for a good minute or so, until the cream stops sloshing around -- you'll hear a thick thud as it swings against the sides, and the interior will become completely opaque. Check, and you should have a nice, softly whipped cream. Either way -- once you're there, add the cinnamon and nutmeg, whip or shake until the cream holds a decent, proud peak and serve immediately.