Bake and Shake

Etsy Holiday Gift Guide #5: You. And that giant tumor with teeth that lives inside of you.

Look at you. I love how pink your cheeks are. You deserve something nice. Something that makes you feel good. So buy yourself something nice this season. Don't wait for someone else to treat you right. Do it now.

- If you can, and I bet it's worth it, wait for one of Wiksten's (Jenny's line) Ellybeth dresses to go on sale, then pounce on it.

- There is no time like December or January to buy a bathing suit. With the classic neckline of an evening gown, you could potentially try it on, now, and not throw yourself into a wall.

- I like small creatures, and I once had a hamster that lived for three years instead of the estimated one. This re-purposed, real-fur bracelet reminds me of her. I am so glad it doesn't have teeth.

- One of the things about Etsy that I love is the surplus of awesome, original art. I've featured three pieces I really love, a print by Lisa Congdon, one by The Black Apple and another one of everyone's favorite, but-for-the-grace-of-Adoption Borderline Biologically Incestuous couple. I remember people having pictures of Jesus and Mary, or Prince Charles and Princess Diana in their houses, sometimes on china plates. This is my version. I need to go cover my furniture with plastic now.

- You're a grownup now! Drink satan's liquor out of these fantastic etched tumblers.

And now we're almost done. One more gift guide left, I think, and then I'm moving on to naming bottle caps I find on the street and posting photos of them.

Like getting underwear for Christmas - You need it. But you don't want it.

As I try to buy more time, for no particular reason, I realized that it is the season for baked goods to be made and foisted on others. If you've been waiting to try recipes, from this site or any other, here's my list of Chunk Town's finest. Party up. Sit down. Full recipes and photos at each link.

Salt Lick Bars (Millionaire's Shortbread) -- I plan on making these myself, but topping them with grey and pink salt. You're welcome.
Chocolate Striped Oatmeal, Almond and Toffee Cookies -- Everyone loves a confection as large as an infant's face.
Savory Black Pepper, Parmesan and Herb Shortbread -- Savory! Savory.
Super Sugar Cookies -- The original crinkly classic, they taste like butter and the hair of angels.
Spice Cookies with Orange-Nutmeg Glaze -- Eat these in the library with your lover, or silverfish.
Chocolate Chunk Cookies -- Make these with peppermint bark, or red and green M&M's, or your dog's toenails.
Blonde Leading the Blonde Bars -- I think Christmas is all about follicle stereotypes.

Egg whites "Just drink them!"

I have nine egg whites in my fridge, all glooped together in one bowl. Does anyone have a recipe calling for nine egg whites, or a conversion handy (for example: One whatever, cup, tea/Tablespoon equals one egg white)? Also, are they still good to go? Or will I be inflicting a Meringue plague on the nation of I attempt to use them.

Etsy Holiday Gift Guide #4: Bebes

This holiday, there were knife fights in the foyer over who got to hold The Baby the longest, who The Baby liked the most, and smugness choked us all when she began to cry in somebody's arms. "Oh, What? You're obviously pinching her."

"She thinks you smell like menthol cigarettes."

"Maybe you shouldn't bite her or something, maybe then she'll let herself relax in your arms. You're giving The Baby the gift of fear this year, right?"

"I think you just spit in her eyes."

One of the craziest photos of myself in existence is my first Christmas -- the first baby, the first girl, the first Grandchild for both families, I am lying comatose in a navy blue dress with white polka dots, sailor color and huge red ties. My legs are motionless in red tights, and I am surrounded by a layer of presents that looks not unlike Tsunami wreckage. There was a live dolphin and metal sheeting involved.

I expect that as the first baby in 17 years for our family, the scenario will be repeated. If you have a baby in your life, whether you own it, stole it or just borrow it on Sunday Afternoons like I plan to, treat it to a very special Christmas with some of the delightful gifts above. The peaked red cap, chocolate bunny and Kimono-tie top and bottom set are catching my eye.

And stop pinching the baby.

Happy Marthasgiving

Thanksgiving was explosive this year. I took no pictures, which means I can't show you the pie crust that won the contest I was holding in my mind. Check it: Martha Stewart's Pate Brisee recipe and a food processor produce the best crust I've ever had or made. Use actual ice water, and less of it than you think you need.

The turkey was delicious, again based in Martha's doctrine. I've never brined, just a big 24 pound Butterball thawed and coddled onto the rack of the thirty-dollar Martha Stewart roasting pan, delivered the day before Thanksgiving. Pour a bottle of decent white wine into a saucepan, add two sticks of butter and a large sprig of rosemary. Drench a folded square of cheesecloth in it, flop that on the seasoned (cracked black pepper, kosher salt) turkey and shove it in the oven for an hour at 375. Open, baste generously with the wine/butter mixture, turn the oven down to 325 and repeat the basting every forty-five minutes or so, until you run out of liquid. Then remove the cheesecloth (this should be around hour three and a half, if you're roasting a similar size bird -- reduce time accordingly), discard, and melt another stick of butter in the pot. Use a pastry brush to slather the pale, homely breast with it and continue doing that every forty-five minutes until burnished brown, and the turkey is 160 to 170. Tent with tinfoil and let the carryover take it to 180. You're golden, and so is the bird.

The whole operation is that much easier if you have a comrade, someone who fortifies everyone with her pear and black pepper bread that morning and gave birth to a baby a few months back, so you've got this little giggly, brown-eyed imp of a chublet being passed around while you throw down in the kitchen. I wandered off from the kitchen to get my fill of the baby smell, the soft cheeks and downy hair, the little fingers that burrowed into your mouth, eyeballs and nostrils then yanked like she was drowning. Dinner was ready by five, and we ate until the moaning began, then burrowed into the desserts. There are no desserts left, and we had four kinds.

Yesterday I was watching TV and then I passed out and woke up 2 hours later, disoriented and rosy cheeked. I don't like napping, and I never have -- they are not restful for me. I wake up sleepier than I was in the first place, with a smashed face and features, hair that angers people. I guess I needed the nap, though, and would have happily continued to let my body rot wrapped in my down comforter. But I got up, and did a little shopping with my sisters and mom, drank an eggnog latte that I did not care about and bought a bottle of my favorite vanilla extract.

So that was Thanksgiving. I hope yours was lovely, the loveliest ever. I've been so busy that I haven't cooked, and to just spend the whole day anchored in front of the stove, chopping herbs and browning sage sausage, it was comforting and a little disorienting, like I had Amnesia, like I was the heroine of an ABC Romantic Situation Comedy, all "How do I know how to use the grating blade for the food processor?".

Now I need to go eat some cold stuffing and risk intestinal parasites.

Etsy Holiday Gift Guide #3: What to buy for...

Now we're moving into specific categories. I feel like I should apologize for the lame eagerness I've been displaying, like "HEY, GUYS! I just got a see-through phone." And you don't care. I don't even care about see-through phones, anymore. But thanks for humoring me, and I promise this will all be done with before the week is out.

The Boss you Like

Sometimes you meet someone that you click with, and yet that person has total power over you -- financially, disciplinary or otherwise, but it doesn't matter, because you're pretty sure you feel like she is the Oprah to your thirty-four year old Iowa mom who carpooled all the way to Chicago with her best friends, and no, you didn't know it was her 'Favorite Things' show. Shower this mentor with gratitude. And nifty things.

The Boss you Fear

Personalized stationary with pigs on it! A candle to light the animal sacrifices performed in her office. A card that adequately mimics the movements of her minions as she wafts past them. And a plate that explains it all.

Your Fake "Never Ever because I'm not gross" Teenage Boyfriend*

Maybe he's a lifelong friend of your little sisters, or one of those brand-new interns at work, 19 if he's a day. Maybe a distant family friend, or your neighbors' son -- you've known him since he was a toddler and you were six, or at least since he started making you mixed CDs during his break and hitting you up for bus fare. Once his mom picked him up and he made sure to introduce you. You feel equal parts amusement, maternal instinct and Zac-Efron levels of inappropriate hysteria when you see him. Your fake Teenage Boyfriend. "If we were the same age. Or my name was Mary Kay...".

The little Olsen Twin you used to babysit for, but now her eye makeup scares you

You had no idea the 'Bleeding Tear Duct' look was in, but it is. Because you refuse to further her addiction to red greasepaint, buy her a 'Girls Just Want To Have Fun or Listen to MCR' crinoline that smells authentically of distrust and sadness. A Little Red Riding Hood print will be used to point out shared themes between the story and 10th grade. A felt tote for her journals, and a tragically button-cute, all-in-black girl falling through the fog will earn double hole punches during the Goth-Day Fun Run.

 

*No one is advocating gross behavior here. You want to give him nougies, not older lady love.

Etsy Holiday Gift Guide #2: Gents

I like that I was all "See you in a week with part two!" and here I am, a day later. I can't help it. I am infected with the holiday spirit, friends.

First, as always, the ladies. Now we move on to the dudes. I haven't purchased anything for a human with man-parts on Etsy yet, so this was fun. I discovered a lot of shops, ideas and products that not only do I want to give, I'm pretty sure people will want to receive. Like with the last one, categories are more fluid than  I originally believed them to be, so mix and match. Make people happy this holiday season. Make men happy. Love, Miss 1954.

Boyfriend


Your sweet-faced loverboy is worth every cent you have in your possession, or could carry in your arms during that planned robbery. Pour him a cup of your love, a love that is greater than the Undeads' craving for your skull innards (Note: The cup linked is reserved for another buyer, but you can still special order one for yourself by messaging the seller). Let's see if his swaggering, machismo hints persist now that there is actually a (faux) bearskin rug on the premises. Let him know it is okay to smell like (soapy) beer 24/7. Buy him a print of a rainbow crack-house that looks suspiciously like his first apartment. And assure him that the Storm Trooper cufflinks and honeycomb tie are to be worn together, at the next wedding or funeral you attend. Or weddneral.

Nephew


I love shopping for little guys. For one, there is so much good stuff out there for young chaps -- my favorite being the Yeti shadow puppet, the crazy, nose-less reconstructed Polar Bear plush and the print of a forlorn young man wearing a cape. It almost breaks my heart, all this Tiny Testosterone approved business.

Dad

 
Every single year, my dad has a thrilling reaction to the gifts my sisters and I give him, usually piled into a large basket that he will later use to store crumpled up newspaper and leftover slats from wooden mini-blinds that he snapped in half using his bare hands -- by the fireplace he never uses. Now that we're older, I really feel like now is the time to stop giving him crossword puzzle books, shortbread cookies and move on to quality, useful gifts. Why not espresso caramels, a bed for the dog he always talks about adopting, a robot coaster (Answer Man Robot!) he'll never use, and a cement light bulb mounted on a wooden plaque. If you can't see the obvious uses for that last item, then I'm pretty sure your Dad will.

Brother/Best Friend


Oh seriously. As I was compiling the gifts for each category, or dude, I realized that the Brother/Best Friend and Nephew categories are almost interchangeable. This year the hot trend among boys from 8-28 seems to be Robots, Monsters, Zombies, the threat of Robots, Monsters and Zombies, and what you're going to do about that. So feel free to switch the ideas around, but don't give anyone over 15 the fake felt mustache, because otherwise he's going to open up his own little carnival, offering rides for the masses. The lady masses.

Etsy Holiday Gift Guide #1: Ladies

Or, the Foreign Title "What to buy your Girlfriend/Sister/Best-Friend/Mom/Niece".

Or, if you like Mr. Folds, "Bitches Ain't Shit".

I plan on doing a few, more specific Etsy posts in the coming week or two, all grouped under the "Etsy Gift Guide 2007" category. Forgive my insolence and assumption that you're at all interested in what I think you should buy for people you love. People you love who have lady parts.

Girlfriend


I admit that I am doing this for my Imaginary Canadian Boyfriend, Chaz. If I were a guy who was dating me, this is all stuff I would buy for me, his girlfriend. Whatever. Those green Chalcedony earrings are legit, though. Just be aware. How about the fantastic art? Girls love art, I'm serious, we love it almost as much as cures for tuberculosis. You know? If you bought us that print of a wispy ingenue wandering romantically through the birches, we would think that's how you remembered the time we plundered through that overgrown acre on your parent's land, swearing and somehow managing to get bird poop and pine needles in our nose. The flouncy briefs on the end, there? Right, let's pretend they're all for her, and not just a little bit for you.

Mom

 
I love my mom. I'd put money down, on the dirty ground, that you love your mom too. Christmas is a nice time to show that love in a materialistic fashion, delighting her not with Crabtree and Evelyn's holiday sampler ("Cabbage Rose! Honey, thank you.") but with handcrafted magic, the kind of which she can show off to every member of her Book Group or the ladies at work. I'm totally describing my own mother here, so don't be offended. Your mother probably butchers wild boars and leads protests for Biodiesel-run Harleys. But what mom, really, would be against Goats Milk Soap flecked with real vanilla beans, or a grown-up handcrafted version of Poppycock? Buy a set of silver hammered stacking rings for her, and tell everyone that they signify you and each of your siblings. Buy a tiny print of a child who is cuter than you or any of your siblings were, and watch the tears flow. Let her mop them up on that sweet little cashmere/merino neck wrap.

Sister


I have two sisters, and they are where I ran into trouble with my "Buy only from Etsy" pledge this year. I wish I had thought to do this guide earlier, so that I could have saved myself the cold sweats as I attempted to find promo codes for big business sites. But you still have time, you do, and I'm sure your sisters will love these ideas -- a leather messenger bag is cooler than anything anyone on campus is schlepping around with. Remember when your sister bought that dog that she all of a sudden loved more than you? Buy the dog a personalized leather collar this year, instead of a gift for your sister, and see how soon that allegiance wilts. And it is kind of creepy, but so are you, all of you, so she'll understand the meaning behind the stellar print of three girls all chewing each others hair. At least you hope she will. Let's pray.

Niece


I firmly believe that if you are 10 years older than any female relative under 12, you can demand to be called "Auntie". Or "Old Leather Face with a stomach that looks like a futon mattress on the side of the road with a 'FREE' sign stapled to it". Either way, delight the littles in your life with a bevy of quirky, creative gifts -- the giant balloon that is almost as wide as she is tall (3 feet!), the compass ring that will have a legitimate use if she's under 12 and a metaphorical one if she's over 16, a re-bound and covered vintage children's novel...all are things I would love, even now, to discover in my stocking.

Best Friend


I really like my friends. I love them, in fact, and yet I never know what to buy them for the Holidays. So we either end up exchanging cards, and if you still want to do that, take a look at those chestnut cards, or I end up buying nothing for the people who have seen me weep snot and witnessed what I like to call "The Limited Sweater Years". This year? Who knows. But for your friends, treat them to only the best -- luxurious Louisiana Caramels, a set of high-fashion notecards for the one who does the best Tim Gunn impression, and a drop of winky glass for the one who makes you feel like a million American dollars, which now amounts to .5 cents outside of our borders. But let's worry about that in the new year.

So there are some ideas for the ladies in your life. Mix and match until you get the right fit, and I'll be back soon, with gifts for dudes.

Bueller?

I am so stumped. I figured I'd try and send this question out -- does anyone know the title of that book that came out like four or so years ago, I think, and it was always in VOGUE and Bazaar, and had a great cover that was black with white block lettering, and the letters had all this swirly vine/leaf stuff coming out of it, and it was the barely fictionalized tale of a now 20-something young man growing up in a aristocratic San Francisco family that was also crazy? I swear the title had "Oh The ______" in it, but I cannot for the life of me remember what it was.

Thanks!