"Your biscuits are so savory, Giiiirrrrlll"

"Butter my back."

"I have to finish painting over your mural."

I apologize, in advance, for the vulgarity of this entry. Some of you just want to make biscuits for your children, or street urchins. Scroll down. I know you're good people, who don't watch TV and mill your own grains. I have no wish to hurt you. The recipe is there, for your gentle eyes. Otherwise, read on, brother.

One of the most uncomfortable situations someone can find herself in is one where she's witness to someone who decides to participate in the time-honored activity of making food/female-anatomy/sex metaphors. Either insulting or wildly off base, they make things really uncomfortable for all parties involved. You usually don't know this guy, but check it, 3 am, his knowledge needs to be shared, with ALL the ladies, and with you, right? Am I right? Am I RIGHT, BRO?

"I guess I don't really get why you're comparing Non-Dairy Creamer tubs to breasts. Are all the 'fine bitches' in the Hotcake House conical and lactating tonight?"

Lately The Hills are alive with this, as Spencer decided to take it upon himself to spread word across this great land, through the carrier pigeons of mass media (USweekly, InTouch, OK! Life & Style, IlliteracyN'Fashun), that his arch nemesis was rocking deli meat in her pants.

"SPENCER SAYS: 'LC'S SMUGGLING FLANK STEAKS IN HER TRUE RELIGIONS'".

He insinuated that she had Bovine Meat Drapery somewhere on her body. I know. You know. I know you're watching it, and that you're wondering why Spencer hasn't been sent to Dr. Phil's "Man Camp", and why Heidi's parents haven't called in one Mr. Jeff from "Intervention", before things get crazy. "My name is Heidi. H-E-I-D-I."

What do you do in that situation? In any situation where you are not only publicly demeaned by someone who has no idea what he's talking about, but who still decides to make it as humiliating as possible. There's no "Let's do it Day Camp style, make sure your mom sends you with extra pants", no easing in, no "LC sounded like a Canadian Teen Actress in the second season", or "She has small, cruel teeth. Like a chupacabra."As evidenced by the rock his lady is sporting, Spencer goes big and then goes home, where he pays someone mutilate his walls with spray paint like they're the back of a jean jacket and the year is 1989.

In LC's case, she's Thank-Jesus got one Lo Bosworth (2:25) back in her life, and also, letting Heidi slowly wilt under the radiant Spencer Heat, until she's doing things like wearing pink converse with a pink t-shirt and white shorts and white anklets out in public. I don't think there could be better revenge, besides maybe calling Spencer "Logan Bruno's Crawlspace Cousin" the next time he "rolls up" on her at Le Deux.

"Leh-Doo."

Or waiting a few years, maybe five, maybe ten, until that day his daughter asks him why he's so mean to girls.

Or just make some biscuits, LC, and smother them with pain gravy.

Biscuits
Adapted from AllRecipes

2 cups AP flour, sifted
1 Tablespoon baking powder, leveled
1 Tablespoon granulated sugar
1/4 teaspoon Kosher salt
1/3 cup cultured, salted butter, slightly softened
1 cup milk, buttermilk or a mixture of milk/cream

Sift or stir together the dry ingredients, in a large bowl. With a fork, knives or pastry-cutter, cut in the butter until you have a mixture that resembles coarse meal -- if a few pea-sized lumps of butter remain, that's absolutely kosher. Place the flour/butter mixture in the fridge for 30 minutes.

Remove the flour from the fridge and preheat your oven to 425 degrees F. Stream the cold milk, buttermilk or milk/cream into the flour mixture, stirring as you do. The dough should form easily, and depending on the weather, humidity and brand of flour you're working with you may need less or more than the full cup -- I only needed a little over 3/4 of a cup. When the dough has pulled in all the flour, and is pulling away from the sides of the bowl, you're done. Turn out onto a floured counter or board and knead exactly 10 times. Pat into a disc and roll into an oval that is around 1 inch thick, and cut into rounds with a floured biscuit cutter, knife or drinking glass. Or monocle.

You can gently re-roll any scraps, until you don't have enough left to form a single biscuit. Place each cut biscuit on an ungreased baking sheet and bake for 10-13 minutes, or until just golden brown around the top and bottom edges. Remove and cool for 1 minute, then serve warm, to friends, family, wild dogs.

Comments

[L.]

Thanks guys!

Cakespy, I enjoyed mine with some Ligonberry jam -- they were crazy fantastic.

Fancypants, they are very much like a cream scone/scone. Another one of those Euro/US language wonders, where your "biscuits" are cookies over here, and scones are most often triangular, crumbly and often packed with oats or fruit. Meanwhile, what a lot of people outside of the US call a scone, are what we call biscuits. Crazy times.

[Fancypants]

Is it just me, or do those 'biscuits' look a lot like what I call scones?

[Miss Sassy]

Thank you for letting me know more about the cultured butter. I thought perhaps it was more classy than the other ones... ;-)

I will look for it now because I have to try this recipe!!

[Cakespy]

These biscuits look amazing and alluring, as beautiful alone as with a savory dish. I wonder how they would taste with jam too?

[L.]

Sassy, those biscuits looks fantastic. Cultured butter is something that I heard of, picked up when I saw it at my local market, and I love it -- it's like Butter to the Max. A richer, creamier flavor and texture , that elevates the salt.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Butter)
There is a little information on it under Types of Butter, in that article.

A good substitute (besides your favorite brand of butter) would be a Straus Creamery, Lurpak, Plugra or even Challenge European-Style butter.

[Miss Sassy]

YUM! I have a great recipe for Buttermilk Biscuits (as pictured here: http://sassypriscilla.typepad.com/sassy_priscillas_craft/2007/03/mmmm_biscuits.html) but I may just need to try this recipe. However, I feel silly asking - what is cultured butter?