HOT AS BALLS. Just straight up Hot as Balls.

"I wish bones tasted like this. Like tiny people bones."

"So you mean baby bones?"

It has been broiling hot lately. Rolling heat, which flees the east and smothers the west. Last night, I kicked off my down comforter for the sheet, then tore that off too. My dog slept at the foot of the bed, and just as the air lifted and flew through the slats of my wooden blinds, the east wind blew in, with it the heavy temperature that has stuck to us all week.

What to do, besides wear a turquoise terrycloth bathing suit cover-up as clothing, all day. Like, this is my outfit, all day. I'm in the backyard, shooting squirrels. I'm in the front yard, wrasslin' with my husband and cousin, and they are the same person.

I guess some people are ladylike in boiling heat. I guess I am not a lady, but a dude, because I become straight up raunchy. The aforementioned "outfit", which I wear to answer the door, and the hair that makes no sense to anyone at all, not even the dog, because it isn't so much dealing with my hair as winding it up around various sticks and pulling it through bands. "Do you want to see a movie?"

"I think the real question is, do you want to see a movie with me? Because right now, this is me."

"You're gross."

"Don't you dare underestimate my potential. This is so bland. I could be full Technicolor raunch, within five seconds. Let the temperature rise another two degrees, and you'll wish you had this again. You'll crave this."

Yesterday there were supposed to be guests, for cold wine and marinated vegetables, sharp cheese but they canceled and I had already made one component of the cheese tray, a recipe and idea ganked from Ina Garten. These tiny, pungent savory discs are crazy. They are small, so you eat like five and think you've had one actual cracker. They pack the same gut-punch as sweet shortbread, but somehow remain dynamic (taste-wise) in a way the others don't. Some seem a bit more herbaceous, others have the coarse, salty tang of Parmesan and others crack with black pepper. Their original christening of 'Cracker' misleading, these are absolutely a savory shortbread. Not crisp and flaky, but sandy and crumbly.

I ate almost all of them over a 48-hour period. Which when you break it down, is like half a stick of butter a day.

Which is so much better than my usual three.

Savory Herb, Black Pepper and Parmesan Shortbread
Adapted from Ina Garten

1 (1/2 cup) stick salted butter, softened
1/4 (heaping) cup of ground parmesan cheese
1 teaspoon freshly cracked/ground black pepper
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
1 teaspoon dried basil (or thyme, etc.)
1 1/4 cups AP flour

Line a light-colored baking sheet with parchment paper. Set aside.

In a mixing bowl, mix together the butter, salt, parmesan, black pepper and basil until creamy and speckled. Slowly add the flour, and mix until dough holds together when pinched. If dough is still too crumbly, add up to 1 tablespoon of ice water. Turn out onto a floured counter top, roll into a ball and then into an elongated log, around 12 to 14 inches long, depending on how large you want your crackers. Try to make sure the log is an even length, and wrap in tinfoil or plastic and freeze for at least half an hour, or longer if you don't want to serve them today. If you do, preheat your oven to 350 F.

Remove from the freezer, and slice into rounds. I got 24 or so from mine, while Ina says you should be able to get nearly 36. Arrange in rows on the baking sheet, with at least a little space between them -- they won't spread like normal cookies or biscuits. Bake for 15-25 minutes, checking after 15, until golden brown around the edges and smelling delicious. Remove and cool completely, or serve slightly warm.

Comments

[Stephanieb]

I made these last Christmas, to give as gifts along with the gingersnaps and toffee I usually make. I know I get sick of all the sweet stuff at holiday time, so I thought it would be good to give something savory too. I almost ate them all by myself, they're so good. I used rosemary instead of basil, and sprinkled them with kosher salt. Yum.

[Mindy]

Tried these over the weekend and they were wonderful! My problem with them is I could eat all of them!!

[Aoife]

I'm with you on the raunch. Who are these people who can make the heat work for them? The girls in movies and Axe commercials, the ones whose tans glisten with sexy sweat? Heat make me feel fat and sticky, and very much like bludgeoning these movie people.

[India]

If you like the idea of savory cookies, note the Browned-Butter, Lemon, and Caper Biscotti and the Orange, Pistachio, and Black Olive Biscotti in Martha Stewart's Hors d'Oeuvres Handbook.

They're a bit more work than these, as they're supposed to be baked twice (you can totally skip that step, though--the sky won't fall), but they're pretty good.

[Peggasus]

I have made a similar recipe for years, except mine calls for blue/roquefort cheese, chopped walnuts, a bit more pepper, and the addition of 2 egg yolks, but basically the same preparation.

I have always served them at wine parties as well. Next time I will make these too. They would be insanely good together.

[deb]

I've been wanting to make these for so long, and I'm glad to see that someone has. I was concerned that thought they're called a cracker, a shortbread texture isn't exactly the kind of thing you could spread cheese or spread on... like you said. Still, I love the idea of making desserts savory and pairing them with wine. (I've been wanting to make savory rugelach with herbs, onion jam and dried apricots for some time, but my husband thinks I'm crazy.)

[kickpleat]

yum! a hot snack i can get behind.

[Ladyberry]

How much flour is needed?

[Patricia Scarpin]

I have never thought of making savory shortbread - these look wonderful!