Bake and Shake

And that is why Grandma has a prothstetic face: Brown Sugar Cake with Dulce de Leche, Almond-Cream Frosting and Almond Praline

"I made this brittle using all the spare keys and thumbtacks I found in the house."

This cake is pleasant to have in class, works well with others, but fails to reach full potential.

For the base, I used a brown sugar cake, and then for the frosting and praline, bastardized versions originally conceived by Giada. Dulce de Leche fills in the cracks, and was the only thing I was less than pleased with -- it retained a tinny, pinched, metallic taste and next time I would double the frosting and fill the cake with that. Otherwise, the cake is very nice. It makes a visual statement, and with cakes like that you can only hope that the taste is up to par. Make sure to use good quality and pure extracts, otherwise the cake will taste of nothing at all. And I used Dark Brown sugar to pump up the caramel notes, but I'm interested in trying the same cake with white sugar. It came together wonderfully, rose nicely and couldn't have been easier.

You know how everyone has their "Gross Moment" food? The food that you could eat by the spoonful, sans anything but your hands, alone in the dark or in front of people, you don't care. For me, the frosting I used for this is my "Gross Moment" food. I love folding whipped cream into cream cheese, as it results in a dreamy way to make yourself look feral. "I was locked in the laundry room! When the police found me, I had been adopted by a family of possums."

While I was assembling the cake, my sisters kept swabbing cherries and strawberries through the bowl. It was almost better that way, the tangy creaminess allowed to stand out, followed by a shot of slightly tart fruit.

The praline jabs at the tender parts of your mouth, the roof and sides, like little caramel needles and more than one person scraped it off and ate it after the cake. And here I need to say that if you attempt this, please have a large bowl of ice water nearby, your sheet pan/almonds even closer, wear long sleeves and if you need to, protective eyewear. The first time I made the praline, I let the caramel cook two seconds too long, and it was coffee-colored and tasted too bitter for my liking. I was two feet from the prepped almonds. The second time, I managed to burn the tip of both thumbs when I tried to scoot a free almond into the mass of cooling sugar, and a glob attached, burned and strung tiny threads of sugar and pain. If this happens to you, submerge the appendage in the ice water.

Or just use a fork.

Brown Sugar Cake with Dulce de Leche, Almond-Cream Frosting and Almond Praline
Adapted from Nosheteria/"The Improvisational Cook" and Giada De Laurentiis

Cake
1 stick salted butter, melted and cooled
1 cup packed Dark Brown sugar
½ cup buttermilk (or ¼ cup milk, ¼ cup cream and two teaspoons of apple cider vinegar)
2 teaspoons baking powder
¼ teaspoon kosher salt
1 ½ cups AP flour
2 large eggs
½ teaspoon almond extract
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract

Praline:
2/3 cup granulated sugar
1/3 cup cold water
¾ cup almonds, toasted and roughly chopped

Frosting:
1 cup heavy cream
3 oz cream cheese
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
¼ teaspoon almond extract
2 Tablespoons granulated sugar
1/3 cup (heaping) of powdered sugar

1 14 oz can prepared Dulce de Leche

Make the praline:
Line a sheet pan with parchment paper. Put on a shirt with long sleeves, and fill a large bowl with cold water.

In a small saucepan (with high sides) over medium heat, melt the sugar and water together until the mixture is clear and all sugar granules have dissolved. Bring to a rapid simmer and continue cooking for at least eight minutes (it took me longer, it may take you less time to reach that state), swirling the pan gently, until the sugar turns golden or light-amber, if you prefer – once the mixture has turned from yellow to gold, remove from the heat immediately – carry-over cooking can turn caramel from golden to completely burnt. Pour the caramel over the chopped almonds, and use a fork (NOT YOUR FINGERS) to rearrange the almonds if needed. Leave to cool completely.

Make the cake:
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Butter and flour one 9-inch round cake pan.

Whisk together the sugar, eggs, salt. vanilla and almond extracts until smooth. Add the flour and baking soda, and stir just until combined. Pour in the butter, and whisk until batter has absorbed it all. Then add the buttermilk and whisk again, until the batter has absorbed all of the liquid. Pour into the prepped pan, and bake for 25-30 minutes, until golden brown and a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean. Remove from the oven and cool in-pan for ten minutes, then turn out onto a rack and cool completely.

Make the frosting:
Chill the whisk/beaters/etc. and bowl you’ll be using for at least 15 minutes.

Pour the cream and granulated sugar into the bowl, and whisk or whip until medium-stiff peaks form. Add the vanilla and almond extracts, and whip until combined. Transfer to a different bowl, and set aside.

Cream the powdered sugar and cream cheese together until smooth. Add 1/3 of the whipped cream, and beat together – this will lighten the cream cheese and make it easier to combine with the whipped cream. Switch to a spatula, and add the rest of the whipped cream. Fold the two mixtures together completely.

Assembly:
Split the completely cooled cake with a serrated knife, and pipe a border of frosting around the perimeter. Spread the Dulce de Leche within the boundaries, in an even layer, and place the second layer on top. Smooth the rest of the frosting over the top and sides.

Using a mezzuluna, your hands, or a long, large chef’s knife, crack the praline into small pieces. Press against the side of the cake, and scatter any extra over the top.

"Everything is better wrinkled: Dogs, old people, and chocolate chip cookies"

"Those cookies remind me of Grandpa's hands. Like if he had amputated fingers. Why aren't you eating?"

For Father's Day we had a cookout, and it was lovely. I have lived in the rainy, valley-gut of Oregon for my entire life and the weather was perfect -- brief breaks of sun, a thick cloud cover and cool air that carried the smoke away from the open windows. Summer is here, and all three of us, my two sisters and I, are home this summer.

We've kind of hunkered down, as something turns and lowers inside of us, letting us know that it is good to anchor close to home for these three months, to spend time together and laugh, stay up late and eat dinner and lunch out, to branch off in twos and discuss the other, to come together as three and make up again and start the whole thing over again. When September lazes in, living arrangements will change, school will start up, questions that have been put on pause will have to be answered, who knows? But this summer, right now, we are fine just being sisters, together, bitching and laughing and hugging and holding court, watching "Rob and Big" marathons and wandering around dressed for no one, "borrowing" clothing and comparing makeup stashes, making mean comments about each others sunglasses.

The day someone has something negative to say about my vintage Ray-Ban royal blue plastic aviators is the day we have a problem.

The older of my two younger sisters is 21, and is the most fun to watch when she returns. She walks in and her shoulders drop, her chin lifts and she begins to squeak around, looking for food. If people are eating, she edges "bites" off of their plates, drops her mouth and chomps to the quick of your nails, devouring half the sandwich you are holding. She couldn't make it in time (finals and work) for the start of our Father's Day celebration and called, demanding to know the status of the food, wanting to know how much was left of what, and what she had missed. The youngest sister answered, already bored by then, unable and unwilling to recount what we had eaten and what we had saved. There was a tiff.

"No, seriously, she was like...'Well...there were a lot of people here,'. And I was like 'Great. Shut up. You've totally managed to make me love you even more, with that display of kindness.' Champion behavior. Just straight Champ behavior."

Of course there was food left, and when my bird of a sister slunk into the dark house, warm with laughter and amber bottles, she made herself a plate first, before any hugs, before any pointed looks and spilled laughter. But there was plenty of that, too.

These cookies have nothing to do with the above. I made them for something else, and while I thought I was following my standard recipe, it was eleven-thirty at night and I forgot a significant amount of flour. Luckily, they mutated into something just as nice. Like people who try to get you to eat fish from the Willamette, "They're just as good! Extra gills mean extra flavor." If you love a wrinkly, thin and toffee-flavored cookie, you will love this.

T(hin)W(rinkly)C(chewy) Chocolate Chip Cookies

1 cup (2 sticks) softened butter
2 cups packed light-brown sugar
6 tablespoons granulated white sugar
2 eggs
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
2 1/2 cups of AP flour, dip and sweep method
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon pure almond extract
2 1/2 cups of mixed chocolate chips or chunks (I used Guittard's semisweet and milk chocolate)

Preheat oven to 300 degrees F.

In a large bowl, cream the butter, brown sugar and white sugar together until fluffy and creamy, around 1-2 minutes. Crack in the eggs one by one, blending until you've got a light-brown, whipped mass. Add the vanilla and almond extracts. Maybe add some hair.

Sift in the flour, baking powder and soda, salt and mix until combined. Fold in the chocolate, and then using a cookie scoop or a tablespoon measure, scoop out rounded balls and place on an ungreased (you could use parchment) light-colored half-sheet pan. I did two rows of three, and that gave them ample room to spread.

Bake for ten minutes, check, and what you should have are wrinkly, golden-brown edges and a little cluster of melty chips in the center. If you don't have that, bake a little longer and check after two more minutes -- if you like a crisp cookie, do the same. But if you don't, and if you were under the impression that you had in fact followed a recipe that had never yielded these results, feel free to pull the pan from the oven and stare at it. Stare at it, wonder why you're not wearing pants, and why you never cared to pay attention in eighth grade French Class, leaving you a singular lingual failure.

After that, carefully use a spatula to shrug the cookies off of the pan, and move to a cooling rack. If you've used parchment, this will be fully easy -- you could even slide the parchment off of the pan and later, peel the cookies off with ease. If you didn't, again. You've failed your family.

Which is the sweetest taste.

No matter what, I'll always leave a restaurant with condiments on my shirt

All the kindness in the world to the good people over at AT: the kitchen. Thank you so much for the mention,
and for making me freak out when I checked your site, completely unaware.

To anyone who reads this site, tries the recipes, leaves a comment or drops a note, links or mentions it on their own blog thank you again. I have been at this for only a handful of months, I've been shown a lot of hospitality by people and it boggles my mind every day. You make me feel, you make me feel, like a literate person.

Alec Baldwin please save yourself: Banana cake with White Chocolate-Cream Cheese Icing

"I am full of Magnesium and shame! Like Lifetime: Television for Women and County Tap Water."

I love damp cakes. They are my favorite kind, that thick, heavy near-wetness that saturates each crumb and packs between cheek and tongue with a satisfying squish. They can be chocolate, or vanilla, carrot or as in this case, banana.

I don't like recipe sites. Sites like Allrecipes and Recipezaar and even epicurious frustrate me, like this movie I'm listening to on Lifetime frustrates me (Alec "You're a fat, ungrateful pig" Baldwin plays the stepfather and lover of a teenage callgirl who orchestrates the suicide/homicide of her mother so she and Alec can be together. She also doesn't have a real comforter on her bed, just a giant, honey-colored bear pelt, with a face and jaws, which Alec Baldwin hides under during one scene, while his wife/her mother tells her she can't find (Alec) and could she (Callgirl daughter) please be quiet because Ricardo is coming over and he hates children. Alec Baldwin is under the bear pelt, and between his stepdaughter's legs. This is all on Lifetime, before 10:00 at night Pacific time. You tell me why I am both disgusted and fascinated.) -- there are so many things I want to like about them, but then there's always just some strange thing waiting to freak me out like a recipe for "Cream cheese chicken" and the bear pelt.

But when I need a recipe for a banana cake, a recipe that has been tested and reviewed, I often search those sites. This is how I found a recipe for what promised to be THE BEST BANANA CAKE EVER. One of the things that attracted me to the particular recipe, the Alec Baldwin selling point, was how "moist" every review proclaimed it to be. The directions call for shoving the cake straight from the oven inside of your freezer, but I didn't do that. I also haven't turned this movie off, and you know why? Because Luke Wilson just showed up and I can't do that to him or his lovely face. Enjoy your residual, Luke. I've hidden it inside of my shirt.

So I made the cake, and it is ridiculous. It is amazing, and almost too damp. While the original recipe calls for a 13x9 inch pan, I used two 9-inch rounds. One remains unfrosted, untouched, to be cut into wedges and enjoyed with coffee and tea, taken to work and school for breakfast. And one was gilded -- a tangy, white-chocolate cream cheese icing, scattered with toasted pecans. A smidge tacky, over the top and it might rot important parts of you. But FANTASTIC.

I encourage you to make the cake, and try both versions. One might make you smarter. The other might have Alec Baldwin and Luke Wilson in it. How can you choose?

Moist Banana Cake
Adapted from Recipezaar.com

1 stick + 6 tbs butter, softened
2 cups granulated sugar
3 eggs, room temperature
3 cups AP flour, sifted
1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
1 tablespoon pure vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups milk + 2 tbs lemon juice, stirred together
4 very ripe bananas, smashed or pureed
1 teaspoon lemon juice

Preheat your oven to 275º F. Spray or grease two 9-inch cake pans and set aside.

Sprinkle the mashed bananas with 1 teaspoon of lemon juice.

Cream together the butter and sugar until fluffy and pale yellow. Add the eggs, one at a time and mix well after each. Add the vanilla, salt, cinnamon and nutmeg, blending well.

Add 1/3 of the flour mixture, and mix just until combined. Follow with half of the milk, blend, then another third of the flour. Add the rest of the milk, blend, and finally add the rest of the flour and mix just until combined. Pour the mashed bananas into the batter and stir with a spatula or mix on low speed until they're just incorporated.

Divide batter between prepped pans, and bake for up to one hour and 30 minutes, testing after one hour and then every ten minutes -- a toothpick or skewed should exit the cake with no wet batter clinging to it.

White Chocolate-Cream Cheese Icing
6 oz Cream Cheese, softened
3.5 ounces good-quality white chocolate
3/4 cup powdered sugar
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

In a glass bowl over a small saucepan full of gently simmering water, melt the white chocolate completely, until smooth and glossy. Remove from heat and let cool.

Cream together the cream cheese, powdered sugar and vanilla extract until smooth. Add the melted white chocolate and whip until smooth. Spread over cooled cake immediately.

"The frosting is comprised of Pepto-Bismal, Red Pepper flakes and Mayonnaise!"

"The Cakelets: A new show devoted to everyone's favorite multiple baked goods, only on TLC."

Crate and Barrel just delivered my new dresser, and I guess I was 90 years older and belligerent when ordering, because I was under the impression that assembly was included. "All the guys said you were into this sort of thing! That's the only reason I asked you out."

I just regret paying for their milkshake.

I don't regret making these cupcakes, though their creation coincided with the week where I got my nutritional business in check and stepped back from things that I enjoy. It may be that Portland is finally in summer bloom, discounting today and yesterday and probably most of next week, or maybe that 'So You Think You Can Dance' is back on and this is my personal 'Biggest Loser'. Watching 19 year old girls dance to Janet Jackson Megamixes makes me want to be a 19 year old girl, wearing the bottom half of a swimsuit outlawed in many holy communities, a pair of Uggs, knee-socks, a cropped hooded sweatshirt and writhing to FrouFrou in front of a 60 year old British man with "Princess Diana: The Landmine Years" hair.

My money is on Lacy Schwimmer, by the way. And that Ricky, who Mia wants to run a kibbutz with, devoted to organic farming and modern dance.

So it is all hydration and whole grains, lean meats and skimmed dairy, vegetables, almonds. I love almonds but I hate them, so much, right now. You'd better be saving my life because right now I'm as fed up with you as those Hanes commercials with Kevin Bacon and Jennifer Love Hewitt, who usually don't provoke such fury in my brain. You're making my moment unpleasant, because I can't figure out why I'm having such a strong reaction to you. Kevin Bacon. And almonds.

And cupcakes. These were originally meant to be shared with people, but then they weren't brought along and then they were a day old and as much as I love this particular recipe (just a nice, standard chocolate cupcake) it doesn't hold up as tastily for more than 36 hours. Eat them, so I don't have to.

Chocolate Cupcakes
Adapted from 'Cooks Illustrated'

1 stick (8 Tbs) butter
1/2 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
1/2 cup dutch-processed unsweetened cocoa powder
3/4 cup AP flour
3/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
2 large eggs
3/4 cup granulated sugar
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
1/2 cup sour cream

Spray or line one 12-cup cupcake pan, and preheat your oven to 350 F.

Sift together the dry ingredients -- flour, baking powder and baking soda.

In a large bowl (I use a pyrex bowl) over a pan with 2-3 inches of simmering water in the bottom, melt the butter, chocolate and cocoa powder until smooth and liquid. Remove and cool for five minutes.

Whisk together the eggs, sugar, vanilla extract and salt until light-yellow and slightly foamy. Pour into chocolate mixture, and immediately whisk or stir until combined. Add 1/3 of the flour mixture, follow with 1/2 the sour cream, then another third of the flour mixture, the rest of the sour cream, and finally the rest of the flour mixture. Stir well, just until combined, thick and the batter pulls at the spoon just a bit.

Using an ice cream scoop or 1/4 cup measuring cup, divide batter between each cup. Bake for 18-20 minutes, checking after 15 -- cupcakes should have a slight, pleasing crackle on top and a toothpick should come out clean or with fudge-y crumbs attached, no raw batter though. Remove from pan and cool completely on a wire rack.

Raspberry Frosting
2 oz. Cream Cheese, softened
1 stick (1/2 a cup) butter, softened slightly
1 teaspoon lemon juice
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2-3 cups powdered sugar
1/2 cup fresh (or frozen, thawed and drained) raspberries

Cream together the butter and cream cheese until smooth. Add the vanilla extract, lemon juice and 1 1/2 cups of the powdered sugar, mixing until smooth and whippy -- taste along the way, adding powdered sugar to taste until you have reached your sweetness and texture preferences. You want to err on the side of stiff, though, because the moisture from the raspberries will thin the frosting considerably.

Turn your mixer, hand or stand, to low and add the raspberries. Cream for fifteen to twenty seconds more, allowing the raspberries to break and bleed and stain the frosting that lovely color.

Frost cooled cupcakes generously, and don't worry if frosting seems too soft -- it will set. If frosting is too liquid, beat in up to another cup of powdered sugar.

Take somewhere safe. Like a basement, or attic, some safehouse somewhere.

Obvious, practical dessert for a 93 degree day: Berry Crisp

"He's melting all over himself...Oh my god. Oh my GOD."

Yesterday at four-thirty in the afternoon I decided I wanted to bake. It was 91 degrees.

My reasons for doing that kind of gross thing:
I had some new Buffalo China ramekins
There was no one to physically restrain me from turning on the oven

That's how awesome my brain is, son. That's some Stephen Hawking logic there. I am Doogie Howser right now. My computer has a green screen, I'm 14, and I am smarter than my dad. Let me legally change my name to Clarissa, and then I'll Explain It All. 

The ramekins or custard cups, as I like to call them, were the driving force. Two weeks ago I got it into my head that I needed some Buffalo China, either mugs or bowls, something -- My Paper Crane did a post on how her sweet sir bought two mugs from their favorite restaurant for her, for her birthday and it was all it took to drive the tangible longing for that heavy, smooth weight in my hand. I love Buffalo china, warm with liquid or out of the dishwasher, how your hands mold to it.

How you could probably smash a car windshield, and/or pie and cake case with it. Crazy things happen at three in the morning in the parking lot of your local Pie House. I'm just saying.

So I had the vessels, and then Deb over at SmittenKitchen posted about crumbles and it all came together. Her entry is wonderful, at explaining all the good things about these desserts. So why not bake a hot fruit dessert on a 91 degree day? Then I wrapped my entire body in flannel sheets and sat under a heat lamp in the bathroom with all the windows shut. And started a fire in the sink, so I could make some hobo chili.

 

A few notes:

- I halved the topping recipe, and substituted brown sugar for white sugar, omitting most of the demera sugar called for because I only had one packet of Sugar In The Raw left. Even after piling on the topping, which came together beautifully, I had enough left for another one. Just bag it up and freeze.
- Any fruit will do. Anything. I used a mixture of frozen Wild Blueberries and Raspberries, unsweetened.
- They were really, really lovely. A few dollops of vanilla frozen yogurt, and it all went down so smooth and tart, the crumble not too sweet and the berries still plump.

Deuce Berry Crisp
Adapted from Deb/Nigella Lawson

Base
1 ½ cups frozen whole, unsweetened raspberries
½ cup frozen, unsweetened wild blueberries
1 tablespoon + 1 teaspoon cornstarch
½ teaspoon orange zest
½ teaspoon lemon zest
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
¼ teaspoon salt

Topping
¾ cup AP flour
4 Tablespoons brown sugar
1 teaspoon granulated sugar
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
½ stick European-style butter, melted
Dash of ground cinnamon
Pinch of kosher salt
Orange zest (optional, I used one "scrape" across the microplane)

Preheat your oven to 350º F. Line a small pan or baking sheet with foil or parchment, and select your baking vessels. My cups hold just around 1 cup.

Mix together the berries, cornstarch (omit the teaspoon if using fresh fruit, or leave it in depending on how cohesive you want your filling to be), orange zest, lemon zest, sugars, vanilla and salt until well combined. Divide berry mixture between each cup. This is it. At this point, you're above the law.

Whisk together the flour, baking powder, salt, sugars, cinnamon and orange zest, if using. Stream the melted butter into the mixture, and using your fingers or a fork, mash together until butter is absorbed and large clumps have formed among the smaller pebbles and dust. Pile as much topping on top of each dish as you like -- In the end, my layers were almost equal. Freeze any extra in a plastic bag, and use soon.

Bake your crisps in/on the lined pan, uncovered, for 1/2 an hour or until the juices are warm and bubbly, and the top is golden brown. Remove and allow to cool for three to five minutes, before serving.

I suggest topping with frozen yogurt or ice cream, and then forgetting to brush your teeth so people think you've been drinking Blueing, like you think you're so cool and living the life of Ramona Quimby, as a twenty-something. And then you can find yourself a Howie, and cut his hair with pinking shears.