"EBAY MODELING IS REAL MODELING, MOM! I JUST POSE WITH BACON."
I have strong feelings concerning what is happening in the above photo.
Before we get into them, with the help of Dr. Drew and televised on MTV/VH1/Viacom affiliates, we should talk about Waffles. Capital dub, because they deserve it. When I started working on 'Full', I knew I wanted to do a spin on classics - French Toast, Breakfast Sandwich, Waffles (and soon Pancakes, then Hash). I like to eat breakfast foods out more than any other category of food - I like heaping portions, all of it hot and crispy and brown. But when I go out, I rarely order Waffles. The last time I did was almost three years ago, the morning of one of the best days of my life so far. It was the day my parents bought me a horse, and I named it Secretariat.
No, that never happened, but I can't stop thinking about that horse because every time I watch TV, there is Diane Lane and Lafayette, with hair and a mustache and wild eyes shouting about Equines Overcoming Adversity.
Before we get going, I'd just like to say that this is the first and only time I've made my own ketchup. This is something special, I did it to do it, not because I believe that packaged condiments are tiny, satanic advocates for an unhealthy life. Because I will All Day Jam on some sweet-hot mustard. All Day Jam and all night, too. You have that condiment, right? The one you'll put on everything, the thing that turns legitimate food into vessels and excuses. Can I tell you about the time, maybe the recent past, maybe too close for comfort, where I spent enough time to worry myself drenching/dunking (which would be a GREAT name for a hybrid basketball/water park theme restaurant, one I hope Stephon would recommend) sticks of room temperature string cheese into a styrofoam cup of Frank's Red Hot, a tiny bottle of which I borrowed from the hotel's restaurant? No, right? I can't. Legally. Okay. So I won't.
I was out of state. In my defense, that was a rough week.
The above was born from a craving for that exact meal, only with some alterations - turkey sausage (homemade, so easy and having nothing to do with casings), sweet potatoes instead of white (though I wanted to use Yukon Golds, and plan to next time) and some toppings which steer this past breakfast and into Big Brunch territory. It is still delicious though, and you're free to flip a fried egg on top, too. Or, go traditional.
First up, the recipe for the sausage biscuits. We'll go for the sweet potato patties next, and then the ketchup. It all comes together in a nice bundle, sans paper sleeves and wrapping, but still solid tastiness. You might have to eat this at a table, with a knife and fork, but your friends are still invited and you can stay up all night if you want to.
I suggest eating this while watching MTV's Teen Cribs on a Saturday morning. They cancel each other out.
Before anything else - the above is the second entry in the 'Full' category. A buttermilk biscuit with homemade turkey sausage, white cheddar and caramelized onions. And on the drums, sweet potato hash patties and maple-cider ketchup. Thank you, Spokane! We are Late Breakfast!
You can do this. You should do it. Do it on a day you want to comfort yourself, or someone close to you. Don't do it the day before you have to see him, her, them or it for the first time since whatever went down. Just take my advice on that one.
But how are you? How is spring treating you? Have you started seeds yet? I remembered to start mine a full week or two later than last year, but they're up and sprouting their first set of real leaves. Teeth should be next. I'll talk more about that soon. Have you, like me, finally purchased a 'Boyfriend' cardigan five decades after everyone else? Let me tell you, worth it. If you like things long, they're perfect. I'm someone who can often wear capris or crops as regular pants, but I have a long torso. So I really love long tops and shirts, sweaters and cardigans. I've just gone into mad detail about my personal length issues, I apologize. OLD NAVY has them for like two bucks and whatever receipts you have in your pockets. Buy them, enjoy them.
Are you busting out of the woodwork, listening to new music, trying Yoga for the first time (INHALE on Oxygen at 6 am. So far, I'm still able to walk so I guess it is legit), painting your face with Satan's Trollop Pigments? Let me know about it. Right now I can't get enough of The Noisettes and Mayer Hawthorne, mustard of all kinds, Sephora's Mr. Lover lipstick and Pacifica's Blood Orange solid perfume. All of that is calming me down.
Recipes to come. I hope all is good. If it isn't, shout it out. We'll form a gang.
Potatoes, Patatas. My favorite tuber.
These could not be easier, and in lieu of a recipe, I'll just tell you how to make some killer homefries. The secret is fingerling potatoes (these were the Russian Banana variety), as many as you like, washed and cut down the middle. And bacon fat. Sea salt, cracked pepper. And a nice fat scallion or two, sliced thin.
So you've got these creamy, tender, naturally buttery potatoes, infused with porky, salty flavor and finally a little sharp green pungent onion on top of all that flavor. I love to eat breakfast potatoes (of any kind) with ketchup, it is one area where I get gross with condiments, but these deserve to remain unsullied.
Fingerling Potatoes, washed and sliced down the middle (Russian Banana, La Ratte, etc.)
Salt and Cracked Pepper
1 or 2 scallions, sliced (or chives)
Heat a skillet appropriate for the amount of potatoes being used over medium to medium-high heat, then drop in some bacon fat - again appropriate for the size of the pan and the number of potatoes you're using. I used a couple of teaspoons of liquid fat for these, and much of it was left in the pan when I was done.
Place the sliced potatoes in cut side down, and wait, adjusting heat as necessary. Check the potatoes occasionally, and when they've turned a deep golden brown, flip over. Season the exposed side with salt and pepper. Flip again, maybe once more, until the potatoes are tender when pierced with the tip of a knife. Turn the heat down to low, and drop in a handful of sliced scallions, both bulb and green parts. Don't stir, but let the onions hang out for a minute - this gives you a nice mix of fresh and cooked onion flavor.
My favorite show on Food Network is Giada's Weekend Getaways. I love to watch people try new things, and my taste and Giada's run side by side most of the time, only she's in a limo with tinted windows and I've managed to lose my pants and have gravel stuck to the side of my face, police not far behind. "WE SHOULD BE FRIENDS, GIADA! I smell like the liquid in cans of beans! I have a herd of horses, in my mind! Let's ride them together."
On a recent episode, she visited Austin and a place that is known for Carrot Cake French Toast. Hold up. Hold the dogs off for a minute. In my mind I was throwing down single bills as Carrot Cake French Toast worked for it to a megamix of 'Total Eclipse of the Heart'. Then I was picturing a giant slab of iced carrot cake being dunked into eggs and griddled, then delivered to your table, icing translucent, cake dissolved, a puddle of egg custard pooled around the mess. Who would risk it?
Giada, champion that she is, ordered it and promptly freaked out over it. I decided I needed to freak out over it too. But I was not going to Austin tomorrow, so how would we solve this today? How do you solve a problem like Giada?
Carrot 'Cake' french toast with honey-vanilla creme fraiche, fingerling home fries with scallions, roast tomatoes and slow-rendered bacon. And some clementines that nobody ate.
The recipes will show up over the next few days, part of a new category called 'Full' - as in full meals, broken down dish by dish and the inevitable full belly.
If things work out, I want to try and do these in chunks - mostly breakfast meals, then lunches, then dinners, then specific occasions. Or this will be the first and last you'll ever hear of the idea, until two months from now when I show up with a list of nail polish colors I'm really into.