Bake and Shake

Paging Lee Fiora: Braeburn Apple Cupcakes with Cream Cheese Icing

"We went back to get him, at the rest stop, before continuing on to Grandma and Grandpa's house. But that was the last time your brother ever said your father's head smelled like the bathroom after the neighbor with lactose sensitivities used it. He rode in silence for the rest of the trip."

"Wow, mom."

I have a crush that is so bad and so fierce that Tyra Banks just cut off all its hair. All I want to do is think about it and talk about it, live it. I am horrible and pathetic and I can't stop.

I am a Curtis Sittenfeld character.

While I attempt to get it together (Come visit me like Cross Sugarman. In the night!), please enjoy Fall, and these cupcakes. They went over well, except everybody thought they were pumpkin.

Hope all is lovely.

Braeburn Apple Cupcakes with Cream Cheese Icing
Adapted from SB/TB

1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup granulated white sugar
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1 egg
1/2 cup Canola Oil (I used Spectrum)
1 cup unsweetened, chunky applesauce (I used storebought Braeburn, though homemade would be wonderful)
1 1/2 cups AP flour
1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
1 teaspoon baking soda

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees F. Sift together the flour, spices (cloves, nutmeg, cinnamon, allspice) and soda. Set aside.

In a large bowl, whisk together the brown and granulated sugars, egg and oil until well-beaten and smooth. Add the vanilla extract and stir until combined. Add the flour mixture and applesauce alternately, beginning and ending with flour, mixing just until flour disappears and batter is a uniform brown. Spoon or scoop into a lined 12-cup cupcake pan -- I got exactly 12 cupcakes from this recipe, but depending on the size of your cups, this could vary by 1 or 2. You can also grease and flour a round cake pan and pour the batter in that, baking for slightly longer (until toothpick comes out clean and top springs back gently when touched) and then frost, or just sift powdered sugar over the top.

But we're dealing with small cakes today, class.

Bake for 10-15 minutes, checking after 10, just until toothpicks inserted in the middle and edge cupcakes come out clean or with dry crumbs clinging. No wet batter. Remove from oven and cool in pan for 5 minutes, then gently remove and cool completely on a rack.

Cream Cheese Icing
8 oz Cream Cheese, slightly softened (take it out of the fridge 10 minutes prior)
1 1/2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 1/2 to 2 cups sifted powdered sugar

For the icing, beat together (don't whip) the cream cheese and vanilla extract with an electric mixer (stand or hand) on medium speed until smooth. Add the cinnamon. Then gradually add the powdered sugar until you've reached a sweetness and stiffness level you're satisfied with. Frost cooled cupcakes generously, slather them, obscenely. Enjoy.   

"The frosting is comprised of Pepto-Bismal, Red Pepper flakes and Mayonnaise!"

"The Cakelets: A new show devoted to everyone's favorite multiple baked goods, only on TLC."

Crate and Barrel just delivered my new dresser, and I guess I was 90 years older and belligerent when ordering, because I was under the impression that assembly was included. "All the guys said you were into this sort of thing! That's the only reason I asked you out."

I just regret paying for their milkshake.

I don't regret making these cupcakes, though their creation coincided with the week where I got my nutritional business in check and stepped back from things that I enjoy. It may be that Portland is finally in summer bloom, discounting today and yesterday and probably most of next week, or maybe that 'So You Think You Can Dance' is back on and this is my personal 'Biggest Loser'. Watching 19 year old girls dance to Janet Jackson Megamixes makes me want to be a 19 year old girl, wearing the bottom half of a swimsuit outlawed in many holy communities, a pair of Uggs, knee-socks, a cropped hooded sweatshirt and writhing to FrouFrou in front of a 60 year old British man with "Princess Diana: The Landmine Years" hair.

My money is on Lacy Schwimmer, by the way. And that Ricky, who Mia wants to run a kibbutz with, devoted to organic farming and modern dance.

So it is all hydration and whole grains, lean meats and skimmed dairy, vegetables, almonds. I love almonds but I hate them, so much, right now. You'd better be saving my life because right now I'm as fed up with you as those Hanes commercials with Kevin Bacon and Jennifer Love Hewitt, who usually don't provoke such fury in my brain. You're making my moment unpleasant, because I can't figure out why I'm having such a strong reaction to you. Kevin Bacon. And almonds.

And cupcakes. These were originally meant to be shared with people, but then they weren't brought along and then they were a day old and as much as I love this particular recipe (just a nice, standard chocolate cupcake) it doesn't hold up as tastily for more than 36 hours. Eat them, so I don't have to.

Chocolate Cupcakes
Adapted from 'Cooks Illustrated'

1 stick (8 Tbs) butter
1/2 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
1/2 cup dutch-processed unsweetened cocoa powder
3/4 cup AP flour
3/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
2 large eggs
3/4 cup granulated sugar
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
1/2 cup sour cream

Spray or line one 12-cup cupcake pan, and preheat your oven to 350 F.

Sift together the dry ingredients -- flour, baking powder and baking soda.

In a large bowl (I use a pyrex bowl) over a pan with 2-3 inches of simmering water in the bottom, melt the butter, chocolate and cocoa powder until smooth and liquid. Remove and cool for five minutes.

Whisk together the eggs, sugar, vanilla extract and salt until light-yellow and slightly foamy. Pour into chocolate mixture, and immediately whisk or stir until combined. Add 1/3 of the flour mixture, follow with 1/2 the sour cream, then another third of the flour mixture, the rest of the sour cream, and finally the rest of the flour mixture. Stir well, just until combined, thick and the batter pulls at the spoon just a bit.

Using an ice cream scoop or 1/4 cup measuring cup, divide batter between each cup. Bake for 18-20 minutes, checking after 15 -- cupcakes should have a slight, pleasing crackle on top and a toothpick should come out clean or with fudge-y crumbs attached, no raw batter though. Remove from pan and cool completely on a wire rack.

Raspberry Frosting
2 oz. Cream Cheese, softened
1 stick (1/2 a cup) butter, softened slightly
1 teaspoon lemon juice
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2-3 cups powdered sugar
1/2 cup fresh (or frozen, thawed and drained) raspberries

Cream together the butter and cream cheese until smooth. Add the vanilla extract, lemon juice and 1 1/2 cups of the powdered sugar, mixing until smooth and whippy -- taste along the way, adding powdered sugar to taste until you have reached your sweetness and texture preferences. You want to err on the side of stiff, though, because the moisture from the raspberries will thin the frosting considerably.

Turn your mixer, hand or stand, to low and add the raspberries. Cream for fifteen to twenty seconds more, allowing the raspberries to break and bleed and stain the frosting that lovely color.

Frost cooled cupcakes generously, and don't worry if frosting seems too soft -- it will set. If frosting is too liquid, beat in up to another cup of powdered sugar.

Take somewhere safe. Like a basement, or attic, some safehouse somewhere.

Topped with the Dandruff of the Tropics

"If humans gave birth to baked goods, we would be just like hamsters. We would eat our young. For the sake of the others."

Right now I'm doing a lot of things, a lot of things. I'm going to list them to you in the same way I list them off to concerned people who are doing the same things I'm doing only the sixty-five year old version, and they're paid by the Gov. to do so:

-- Reading back issues of Vogue and InStyle and W and deciding which ones to keep, so I can repeat this process in five months when I trip over the third pile of three-year old magazines in the middle of the night. When dawn comes, you'll find me with a broken toe and reading an article about Salmon and Micronutrients for Follicles for the fifth time.
-- Engaging in some serious e-mail shennanigans.
-- Figuring out my life! GOD, this is the best one. It involves a lot of apartment searching and Craigs List and course catalogues and watching "Just Friends" on HBO onDemand for the fifth time in one month.
-- Buying jeans. That look just like all of my other jeans.
-- Buying makeup.
-- Being the Mr. Miyagi I always knew I was and showing 16 and 17 year olds "Pretty in Pink" and "Sixteen Candles" for the first time.
-- Being sad about my dog, who is suddenly a little too old for my liking even though she's only 10 and will live for like 9 more years.
-- Making the hell out of some cupcakes

These are a great diversion, a great way to pretend you're in control of a lot of things when really you're not, and you don't even care if you are. I bake when I'm feeling fussy, as though precious baked goods will stand in for the rest of my unordered life, and these were a great diversion. Icing and a topping.

That's like a headband and a scrunchie.

Carrot-Pecan Cupcakes with Cream Cheese-Vanilla Bean Icing
Based on the Frog Commissary Carrot Cake Recipe

1 1/4 cups Canola Oil (I use Spectrum)
2 cups granulated sugar
3 cups coarsely grated carrots
4 large eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
3/4 cup chopped, toasted pecans
3/4 cup golden raisins
Juice from half of a large, ripe orange
2 cups AP flour
1 Tbs + 1 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
Dash of ground cloves

Preheat oven to 350° F. Place paper cupcake liners in two 12-cup muffin tins -- I got around 20 large cupcakes from this recipe. 20 large cupcakes for my mouth. Double-fisting baked goods is how I roll.

In a large bowl, whisk or cream together the oil and sugar. Add vanilla and one egg. Mix until combined, though mixture might seem stiff and slightly dry.

Mix orange juice and raisins together and leave to soak.

Sift the dry ingredients (flour, salt, nutmeg, ginger, cinnamon, cloves and baking powder) into a smaller bowl, then alternate the dry ingredients with the remaining eggs in the following order: flour, egg, flour, egg, flour, egg. Mix well after each egg, but only mix until just combined after each helping of flour. Resulting batter should be thick but smooth and moist. Switch to a wooden spoon (if you're not using one already), and add the grated carrots, raisins and any leftover soaking liquid (juice). Add pecans and stir until combined, then drop by the spoon or scoop into prepped papers. Baked for 20-30 minutes, testing after 20 -- tops should be golden brown, slightly shiny and a toothpick or skewer should come out clean. The house should also smell incredible. Like you're running an illegal cinnamon operation and drying it in your oven.

Cool in the pan for 3 minutes, then remove and cool completely on a rack.

Icing
1 8 oz package of cream cheese, almost room temp.
2 tablespoons softened butter
1 lb sifted confectioners sugar
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
Seeds from one vanilla bean
Toasted coconut (optional)

In a medium bowl, mix the cream cheese and butter on medium speed with a hand mixer. Add vanilla extract, vanilla bean seeds and mix until soft and smooth. Sift in powdered sugar until desired texture is reached -- I like a stiffer icing.

Frost cupcakes with flair and reckless abandon. Roll tops in or pat with cooled, toasted coconut.

The Duggars of the cake world: Cupcakes

"How will we send them all to College?"

Sometimes you can't improve on classics. But just when you think something is an old standard, someone takes it to the next level. This is where cupcakes come from.

And Crystal Meth.

Vanilla Cupcakes
Adapted from Amy Sedaris' recipe

1 1/2 sticks unsalted butter, softened
1 3/4 cups vanilla sugar
2 large eggs, room temperature
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
1 tablespoon pure vanilla extract
2 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
2 1/2 cups All Purpose flour, Dip-And-Sweep method
1 1/4 cups milk, pref. 2% or above, room temperature (I know. Satan's Lactations, but sometimes you need to go full fat or go home.)

Preheat oven to 350° F.

Whisk or sift together flour, baking powder and salt. Set aside.

In a large bowl, cream butter and sugar until fluffy and light yellow, 45 seconds to a minute. I use a hand mixer. You can use your dog's paw. Whatever you have around.

Add eggs, one by one, mixing to combine. If mixture looks slightly curdled, don't worry -- it should come together once you add the flour, or tears of failure. But this can be avoided by making sure your eggs are room temperature. I like to rinse a ceramic bowl out with hot tap water, dry, and set the eggs inside that. They come to temperature easily.

Add Vanilla, and then alternate flour mixture and milk, beating after each addition. I like to begin and end with the flour. Mix on low speed until batter is lump-free and almost glossy looking. It should be silky. Like your grandfather's legs. Using an ice cream scoop or similar, scoop or spoon batter into a muffin tin lined with paper or foil baking cups -- if you're not lining, use a little vegetable oil or butter and flour your tin. This recipe will easily give you 16-24 cupcakes, depending on how high you fill them.

Bake for 10-15 minutes, checking after cupcakes have risen and begun to turn golden around the edges. When they're done, they'll be dry on top, slightly golden around the edges and a skewer inserted in the middle will come out dry. Allow to cool for three minutes in the pan, then remove to a rack. Frost and eat, or display for three days, swearing each time a hand nears them.

Vanilla Frosting

1 stick unsalted butter, softened
1 ounce softened cream cheese
1/4 teaspoon salt
Powdered sugar, as needed (2-4 cups, depending)
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
Food coloring, if desired

In a large bowl, whip the butter and cream cheese together until completely smooth. Add in sugar, cup by cup, until desired consistency/sweetness level is reached. Divide into smaller bowls and color, if you want. Swirl generously on top of fully cooled cupcakes, and decorate as desired.