In 'The Shit'

HEY GUYS.

Let me tell you. Let me TELL YOU. This is INCREDIBLE. I don't know what the Portland-Metro area did, but we're paying for it. I can't form words anymore. This morning, a stray Boxer trotted into the backyard and I beckoned it inside, clapping gleefully because it was someone I was not blood-related to, something, whatever. The owner followed a few minutes later, and I stared mournfully as he hoisted the animal into his arms, hands clasped around it's belly and lifted each leg high as he waded through the bullshit that is 13 inches of snow, in Portland.

And not only that, like some foul cake there is an inch-thick layer of opaque ice exactly midway through the snow. Because after the initial eight inches, freezing rain fell and coated everything. Then yesterday, more snow fell but that was fine, because you figure the air is warm enough for snow, it is warm enough for rain, which will wash everything away.

NOPE.

Like sweet kisses, more snow fell last night and covered up that ice, so that when you plunder through the drifts, you also have to crack through that ice layer and the shards stab you in the calf and if you're me, with my short legs attached to my short body, mid-thigh region. This snow is hiding daggers. This snow is real into recreating the events of 'Home Alone'. I think there may be some mighty machines and tar underneath it, too, but I'm not going to find out, Harry.

I am tired of watching passive-aggressive interviews done ON LOCATION at the airport, where middle-aged men shrilly choke out that things are ruined because they can't get to Colorado, or Seattle, or listen to strained interviews with law enforcement, TriMet or PDX spokespeople, one of whom smugly said that the Airport itself was fully-stocked with de-icer, but it was up the the discretion of each airline to make sure it had enough for each individual plane. That's bullshit. And also, I would LOVE TO BE AT THE AIRPORT RIGHT NOW. I would LOVE IT. I would have something from each food court stall, I would be wearing every clothing item I could find at a 'Made in Oregon' store and sitting in a fort made from wooden swizzle sticks and every copy of InStyle that I could find. I would read every book, and collect every stray child I found and organize a children's choir, singing the library of Beyonce Knowles.

I would do cartwheels, I would ride the luggage carousel, I would organize a Project Runway competition to remake flight attendant uniforms, I would film a Lip-Dub to The Ting Ting's "That's not my Name", I would have luggage cart races. I would interview the news reporters, and try to win a KGW8 polar fleece, whether or not there was actually one up for winning.

Someone I know is away, far away from here and he is at the beach right now, warm and satiated and I need to go take a photo with my phone and send it to him, with profanity underneath it. It is still snowing now. One of my sisters is stranded at her boyfriend's family home, up in the high hills and she is sick, her cell phone is dead, and she has no clean clothing that they haven't already seen. I am trying to feel bad for her, but I would trade places (and faces) with her any day.

We hope to have her back before Christmas, so we can enjoy a meal of Hot Pockets and Progresso 50% less Sodium Chicken Gumbo.

Comments

[kickpleat]

the snow is so crazy here and apparently more will fall tonight. insanity. but pretty insanity, right? i'd love to ride the luggage carousel, btw. merry xmas!

[Carolyn J.]

Everyone south of me swears they would never ever live in such a godforsaken place as my home - but! When it snows here, it gets really cold, like scary cold. The good part is that the snow's very fine, like powdery sand. It does NOT form that stabby layer.

[L.]

Oh Emily. I'm so sorry.

Chelsea, it IS, both crazy and beautiful. I'm jealous of your snowshoes - I've seen people cross-country skiing, and last night at midnight a passle of dudes used our slick, ice-y hill as a snowboarding run. Thank you, I hope she does too!

Linsey COME ON DOWN. We've got three cans, and I think we can feed eighty people for two months on it.

[Linsey]

I LOVE Chicken Gumbo!

[chelsea]

Isn't this snow crazy??? It's sooo beautiful though. I've been snow shoeing a lot! I hope your sissy makes it back in time for Christmas:)

[Emily]

Let's trade. yesterday I stood outside in -16 degree weather for over two hours waiting to talk to someone about my car getting towed during Minneapolis's first seasonal snow emergency. I've been Christmas shopping with blankets wrapped around me, unable to sign charge slips because my hands are still shivering so badly. I would love your ice cake. Love it.