That Girl Turned Twenty-Five

The older I get, the more overwhelmed I am by kindness. "Thank you. THANK YOU." I get weepy and very Mia Michaels when it comes to gratitude, and on my birthday I didn't know what to do with all of it, so I choreographed a dance about the symbolic relationship between cake, Ageism in the Western World and stopping the spread of TB on major airlines. Set to Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now".

So the days before my birthday were the pits, just awesomely horrible, emotional days on everyone's part and for no real reason, besides the saying of something stupid too early in the morning. No one likes to feel like a creep right before his or her birthday, I'm telling you this even though you already know it. I didn't even want to celebrate it, with anyone, I wanted to bury myself in a drainage ditch and maybe drink some roughly filtered grain alcohol. Read a BOP! magazine and mourn my youth, and wonder what Zac Efron is doing to avoid aging. I personally think those High School Musical movies are Satan's own, televised Pyramid Scheme. "After the third one, Vanessa Hudgens, you'll get a boat."

Those were my plans. But on Monday night, something broke and when I woke up on Tuesday I was born into a world where I was woken up by a huge bouquet of flowers and an iced coffee, and fresh blueberries and chilled champagne in the fridge. Do you know what I like to do on my actual birthday? Nothing. I like to sleep in and listen to Jermaine Stewarts "We don't have to take our clothes off (to have a good time)" for two hours in a row, and then I like to play the Gym Class Heroes version back to back with the original, for another two hours and then I take the advice and get dressed. Only I was twenty-five, and I had shit to do.

After bacon, and Lilosas (Ruby Red Grapefruit juice and champagne), I had to go have my follicles maimed. Like I said in an e-mail, whereas before I had curly hair that when straightened, fell into side bangs, I now have (for the moment) straight hair with shorter, thicker side bangs, and layers. It is radical, the equivalent of the Amish opening a Glamour Shots boutique photo studio, where you can have soft-focus shots of you, draped in a boa and milking cap, done after Sabbath.

Cakes arrived, from Pix Patisserie, a Jane Avril (which was unavailable, and then it was, and I didn't ask questions), a dense, shunned Queen of Sheba truffle cake (upper left), and a Royale (lower left) and Amelie (lower right -- that little mound is creme brulee). I was outrageously, crazy excited over them.

And then I got dressed, and went out to dinner, where the kindness continued from all angles. My camera stayed home, and called her fake Canadian Boyfriend, Chaz. "When I kiss him, he tastes like maple syrup." But I managed to take this, mouths full of good cakes, fizzy throats, right after we slammed a dirty a spoon in the neck of the finest grocery store champagne and ordering "Fur" on Pay-Per-View, right around 2:30 in the morning.

The day was fantastic. I did not know what to do, as I said, with all of it. I don't know how to express myself, other than to say that I love my family, I love my friends, I love the twenty-five years I've lived through and look forward to the next twenty-five, and the twenty-five after that, and after that. I want to live as long as a Twinkie, because what else is better than that.

Comments

[tracy]

this means you are a leo, just like moi. fuck yeah. we rock.

[Lisa]

Birthdays can be a bitch -- and I've had several more than you so I know whereof I speak -- so I'm glad yours firmed up into a good one.

Happy Quarter Century, Bake and Shake (and now i've used up all my capital letters) and many more!

[L.]

Thank you, lovely things!

Fancypants, I have to say that the one and only reason for four cakes is that the larger one was only about six inches across, and the smaller ones were all chocolate -- I was the lone raspberry and pistachio fan in the bunch.

Wende, I know. I was hoping for a photo of the cake a fellow inmate made for me out of margarine and honey packets, crushed potato chips and a toilet cleanser tablet. I am totally ready for 30, for some reason. I say that now, where in a year I might be weeping over it. But right now? 30 is rosy.

Blue, Tmz.com had a Willis/Moore daughter to chase that night. Their loss, dude. Their loss.

Thank you again, all!

[Blue]

Yeah but did the paparazzi catch you with out panties? Now that's a party! Happy Birthday!

[Wende]

What? No prison photos? :D Happy Birthday, I'm glad turning 25 was such a blast. Just think... 30 is on its way. Omg... I'm such a brat. Heh.

[Rose]

Happy belated birthday Lo.

[Fancypants]

How spoiled are you?!!!!! Now look what you've done - I want 3 cakes on MY birthday now!

[Heather]

Happy Birthday, you lovely young thing. Many happy returns to the day!

[Patricia Scarpin]

Happy Birthday!!
Wow, the cakes are beautiful!