Cough Syrup Pies

"George Washington killed ten men over baked goods. Did you know that? Did they teach you THAT in school?"

Hand Pies. That are too big for your hands. What isn't to like?

You can personalize them to your tastes or the tastes of others. They're portable, nice hot or cold and don't scream at you and demand an answer as to why they can't get a Jessica McClintock dress "JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE, GOD, OKAY, I GUESS I'LL JUST BE A LEPER AT MY OWN PROM. I'll wear BURLAP. AND THEN maybe THEY'LL STONE ME and you'll feel SO BAD you'll buy me one to wear at my OWN FUNERAL. So Brad Thompson can slow dance with my CORPSE."

I can't wait until I'm a mom.

Here are some fillings to consider:
Screws
Taco Bell Mild Sauce
Bottle Caps
Baby Possums

Or you can do what I did, and make a pleasingly sour grown-up cherry filling. A family friend always added almond extract to her cherry pies, so I did that and I added ground almonds to the pastry and shaved almonds to the icing. Nutmeg makes things a little dark, a little musky.

You could just add a few drops of Drakkar Noir and get the same effect.

Sour Cherry Hand Pies
 1 can pie (tart/Montmorency) cherries, packed in water and pitted
2 tablespoons cornstarch
2 tablespoons brown sugar
2 tablespoons turbinado sugar
2-3 tablespoons clover honey
1/8 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/3 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon almond extract
1/3 teaspoon vanilla extract
Almond Pate Brisee, recipe below
Icing, recipe below

Drain cherries, reserving the liquid, which should equal close to ½ cup – if it doesn’t, top off with water until you’ve got ½ cup. Set drained cherries aside.

In a medium saucepan, heat the cherry liquid over medium-low heat until steamy. Slowly whisk in the cornstarch, turbinado and brown sugars, whisking until you’ve got a pale red, milky liquid. Turn up the heat slightly, and whisk in the spices and honey. Whisk often, until mixture comes to a simmer, clears, and begins to bubble wetly. It should thicken quite a bit – if it seems too thick, add up to another 1/3 cup of water, bring up to a boil again and desired consistency.

Add in cherries, and cook for another 5-10 minutes over medium-low heat. Taste the liquid, with a cherry so you can accurately gauge the full flavor, and adjust sugar or honey to taste. Add the extracts, and remove from the heat and cool slightly.

Preheat oven to 350° F.

Divide one half of prepared Almond Pate Brisee into four equal pieces, or eight, and roll into wide circles on a smooth, well-floured surface. Move circles to a parchment-lined baking sheet, and fill one half of each with 2-3 tablespoons of cherry filling. Fold remaining dough over filling, press edges to seal, trim if needed and crimp with the tines of a flour-dipped fork. Repeat until filling is used up. Discard dough scraps. Or braid them into your hair.

Mix one egg and one tablespoon of heavy cream with a fork until pale yellow and well blended. Using a pastry brush, coat tops of each pie with the egg wash, and sprinkle with a bit of turbinado sugar if you like. Bake pies for 25-30 minutes, or until golden brown. Remove, cool, and glaze with icing if desired.

Almond Pate Brisee
Adapted from Martha Stewart

2 sticks cold, salted butter, diced
2 ½ cups AP flour
½ -- ¾ cup ice water
15 whole, raw almonds
½ teaspoon kosher salt
1/8 teaspoon nutmeg
1 tablespoon + 1 teaspoon granulated vanilla sugar

In the bowl of a large food processor, fitted with the regular metal blade, pulse flour, sugar, salt, nutmeg and almonds until the flour is speckled with tiny flecks of ground almond. Add butter and pulse until mixture is comprised of small crumbles – don’t over mix. Do 7 pulses, check, and if it isn’t small enough, do 1 or 2 pulses more.

Stream in ice water slowly, with the processor running. Stop just when dough begins to clump together. Test consistency by pressing a bit of dough between your fingers – if it holds together, you’re fine, if not, add a bit more ice water and pulse once more.

Turn out onto a floured board or counter, gather into two balls, flatten into discs and wrap in saran wrap -- you'll only be using one disc, so feel free to wrap the second really well and freeze.

Chill for at least one hour.

Icing
1 cup powdered sugar
1/8 teaspoon almond extract
1/3 teaspoon vanilla extract
2-3 tablespoons cold water
Dash of grated nutmeg
3 almonds

In a small bowl, mix together powdered sugar, extracts and 2 tablespoons of cold water. Add more water as needed, until you get a smooth, thin glaze that still drips in one long stream from the spoon. You can re-thicken if you want to, by adding a little more powdered sugar.

Using a microplane or fine grater, shave almonds into icing, knocking grater against the top of the bowl once or twice to remove all flakes. Add nutmeg and stir well, then gently drip or spread over cooled pies.

Comments

[Jennica Weeks]

I think I am going to make these on Saturday...about how many pies will the recipe make? These look so yummy!!!

[Mercedes]

ummm, cherries, almonds, and a pie that encorporates portability and icing!

[mallow]

Those pies just moved to the top of my To Do List.

[Miss T]

Drakkar Noir. Hee hee.